Jealousy

Part 25

Beam

I walk around the village market, smiling and chatting with the vendors. I'm only here to buy my evening meal but since it's rare that I'm out of the hospital, most of them stop me to give their greetings. By now, I've treated each of them, even if it was fabricated.

They just wanted a look see at the new doctor! They didn't even bother to hide the fact they lied about being sick. I wanted to laugh. It was the only funny thing in those early days.

A man in a black shirt caught my eye and quickly disappeared. These villagers did not wear black. I dismissed it immediately. Sighing, I firmly put the thought of Forth out of my mind.

He won't find you here. You're safe. You're safe. I reassure myself.

I finish my evening stroll and head back to the small, two room home that the hospital provides. It's not the luxury I'm used to, but I've adapted. I think I needed this simplicity too. It's the bare necessities, no entertainment unit, just a small table with chairs in the kitchen/common area and a bedroom/bath in the back. I have a large bed. It's MY bed. It's the only thing I paid a huge fortune to have shipped out to me.

The small home has a porch. Who knew I'd become a porch sitter? You can't help it out here in the mountains. The view draws you when the sun sets or rises. I arrive back just as the sun is setting and as per my normal routine when not on call, get my meal ready and go and sit on the porch.

Taking a deep breath, I sit down and begin to eat. Half way through, my meal goes flying when I hear, "Do you know how long I've looked for you, Beam Baramee?"

Fuck my life! It WAS Forth Jaturapoom! Well, hell...

"Why look?" I snap back. "Wasn't it obvious that I didn't WANT to be found." I get up and start to clean up the mess. I know if I don't, ants will swarm everywhere.

"What are you doing?"

Is he stupid? "Can't you see what I'm doing? I'm cleaning."

"I know that." He snaps back, "But why? It's outside!"

Trying for patience that I really don't have, "Ants have legs. Ants will move inside faster than anything if I leave this on my fucking porch!"

His mouth doesn't make a sound even though I see him shape an "oooh" sound. He comes closer to the porch and into the light. "You look good, Beam. Really good."

I don't care. But I do. No, I don't. The doctor told you to stop the lies Beam. My head is spinning and I am not even focused on Forth. He's taking advantage of that and moves even closer.

"Beam?"

"What?"

"Look at me."

"No." I can't. History will repeat itself for the third time. Twice was enough. You left me twice. I can't do this again. I just started to get better!

"It won't repeat itself."

"What?" I raise my eyes and look at him, terrified that I misspoke. Did I say what I was thinking aloud.

"I won't make the same mistakes again. I know how you think, Beam. WE won't make the same mistakes again." He has his hands firmly tucked in the pockets of his tight black jeans. Who wears jeans that tight anymore?

"Why did you come after me?" It's the only question I can safely ask. Every other one is dangerous, it opens up too many boxes.

Instead of answering right away, he surveys my small porch. The moths buzzing around the light, hearing the bug zapper go off. "Can we sit down?" He picks up a bag that I never noticed. "I brought some beer."

"I don't drink anymore." I can't. On my medication, it's a dangerous combination.

He shrugs. "That's fine. Do you mind if I do?" Yes, yes I do! I mind everything that is going on! I mind you even being here. But... I'm supposed to be honest with myself. I want to hear what he has to say.

I shrug in return and wave my hand. "Fine, fuck, sit down and have your beer." Well hell, I haven't even sworn like this since the last time I saw him. 

I notice I still have the rags I cleaned up my dinner with in my hand. I go and rinse them and hang them to dry. I mourn my dinner. I missed eating a proper lunch today. An accident happened on one of the local plantations. 

Taking several deep breaths, I grab a bottle of fruit juice from the compact refrigerator and return to my porch. Forth is sitting in the other chair, looking out over the mountains, an open beer in his hands. 

"Nice view you have." Casually, like we've been never been apart. Okay, I can do this.

I sit down and open my bottle. "I like it." Silence falls between us. Neither of us wants to start. I think to myself, you came to me, you start!

"That wasn't a farewell note, Beam." He starts slowly...

I interrupt him. "Bullshit. Let's not lie, Forth. At least this time, let's not lie."

He sighs and starts again. "It really wasn't. I wanted to give you some time to miss me. I thought if you thought I was gone, you'd look for me this time. Why don't you ever come after me?"

"That's bullshit, Forth. I told you then and there, that I was moving if we didn't work it out. I had everything arranged even before the weekend. Why would I drop MY plans for someone who betrayed me not once, but twice?"

"That's just it, Beam, I never understood how much I hurt you until well after that weekend." He sighed. "You should have been the one to explain to me what was going on."

I only look at him and raise my eyebrow. We are in dangerous territory now. I either have to bluff my way or come clean. "What should I have told you?"

"How ill you were." Fuck his bluntness. "That first time we met, when we kissed that night, you called me your savior. You weren't lying. I really did save you."

I just stare at the mountains. I've never talked about that night. Never. I don't want too, not even today. I hear him faintly... 

"No more lies, Beam."

"Okay, fine. Yes, I was on the roof contemplating ending all of it." I stand up. I need another pill. I can feel my hands start to shake. I won't get through this unless alone. "Excuse me, I will be right back. I almost run into the bedroom, to the small bath and grab the bottle and shake out a tiny white pill, placing it under my tongue. I feel it dissolve and turn around to see Forth watching.

"What is that? Are you on medication now? For what?"

I walk on shaky legs to my bed and sit down. It's the only place TO sit. The bed bounces as Forth sits beside me. I bend my head forward and wait. I feel Forth rubbing my back. It feels nice. I don't want it too.