Jealousy

Part 22

Beam

Forth showered both of us after that second time, carried me into bed and held me until I fell asleep. I know he was there when I fell asleep.

He was gone when I woke up. Why? I now know without a doubt he does love me. I think we could work out the trust issues if given a chance. Both of us fucked it up the last time. He's right, I do owe him one final explanation.

But first, I need to talk to that asshole Phana. I sigh and walk around the small guest house. I'm hungry. Really hungry. I find a note on the table.

"Call Wayo, he'll bring you breakfast when you wake. Take care, Forth."

I crumple it in my hand and scream. "You fucking shit, Forth Jaturapoom!" He did it again! He left. I sink to the floor and the tears start. My hunger is gone.

I cry for several hours and let the waves and waves of emotions run through me. Afterwards, I click send on my resignation email. I send out the applications to the three most remote hospitals I could find and quietly pack my bags.

I call the family lawyer and send the list of things I need packed from my condo. It's not much, really, some clothes and pictures and arrange the rest to be stored. I tell him to sell the condo. I will need the money until I'm settled.

He asks me if I'm alright. I assure him I am. That I'm better than alright. I've finally found my feet. I know he can't understand this last instruction, but he does know the confidentiality clause. He assures me that he won't give out the new phone number or my address to anyone. I immediately remove the old sim card and insert the new one I purchased before coming here.

Beam Baramee has official died today.

Forth Jaturapoom, along with Beam's former best friends had the pleasure of killing him.

Forth

"I'm telling you, Phana, I haven't got a fucking clue where Beam is. I left him at Wayo's resort. He was sound asleep." I pause to listen to Phana yell some shit about him resigning and wonder what this has to do with me. "Don't care. Goodbye."

I hang up. I am having a shitty day. A really shitty day. I can't forget him. Beam, that is...

The way he smiles. The way he looks after I kiss him or the way he looks when we fuck. God damn it, I'm hard again. I have it just as bad as when we were together. I thought I had these urges under control...

But I am fooling myself.

I'm lying to myself.

You never should have left. You should have stayed and fought for him. Beam was worth every your very life. Knowing now, that Beam was sick, I should have stayed.

It didn't mean anything if Beam wouldn't tell me, I argue.

You didn't give him a chance. No, you counter, you gave him plenty of chances! Did you really?

"Arghhhh!" My desk chair at work goes flying and my co-workers stare at me, curiously. "Sorry, sorry!" I give a waii to each one of them and hurry over to my direct supervisor. "Boss, I need a day off."

He looks at me and sighs. "Forth, you've hardly been at work since you've been here in Bangkok."

I close my eyes and drop into the soft chair in his office. "I have a story to tell you... it will explain my behavior."

He shrugs and sits opposite of me. "Go ahead but make it brief. I have a meeting in 30 minutes."

I can do that. I nod and begin. "Eight years ago, I fell in love. Soulmate love, you know? Anyways, I fucked it up by not knowing about he was sick."

My supervisor stares at me, wide eyed. "He?"

I confirm, "He. Is that important?" He shakes his head, no. "Good, anyways, instead of consoling, I made baseless accusations almost every day. Finally I left him after accusing him of fucking someone else." I was pulling loose threads from my jacket. I didn't want to continue but I did. "It was my graduation day."

I sigh and continue. "I got the job with the company and that's why I didn't want to come back to Bangkok. He's here. I saw him this past week and spent the weekend with him. It was good. But I feel guilty and now that I know how bad I am for him, I left him again."

"How?" The supervisor is giving me an evil eye. Like really evil... "How did you leave him?"

"Well," I don't want to answer. I take a deep breath. "I wrote a note."

"You're a prick. Take a day off and think about how your ex partner feels. That's twice you've dumped him in really shitty ways, Forth."

"That's really not the problem, Boss. His friends are calling me constantly. No one has seen him since he passed out at the resort, except for me. And I left him in his room, sleeping."

I sigh. "They don't believe I left him there. They think I've done something horrible!"

My boss shakes his head. "You are a complete ass! You did. I think he ran from another broken heart!" He drums his fingers on the low table between us and sighs. "Get out of here. I don't want to see you for a week."

He stands up where I'm sitting, in shock. Looking down at me, he follows up with, "I thought you were an intelligent man, Forth, but you're actually pretty stupid. I'd go and get your man."

I slowly stand, thinking of what he said. I bump into the chair as I leave.  I turn and give him a waii and gently close his door. In a daze, I walk to my desk, grab my jacket and leave. I don't even pay attention to the co-workers who are gossiping about me. 

I call Phana. I need to see him. I have to find out where to start looking for Beam if I can fix this. 

My damn boss is right. I am a stupid, stupid man! Who leaves their soul mate without even TRYING one last time? I went in with the wrong mindset. I need to find Beam and find him fast. 

We meet at a coffee shop hours later. Phana tells me that his condo is up for sale. Not only that, but it's completely empty. What the fuck? How did that happen in 48 hours? The hospital administration is going crazy trying to replace Beam on staff. 

I sigh. "Phana, we will get him when he applies for a new position."

Pha shakes his head. "No, we won't. Beam was prepared for all of this to happen, Forth. He has his academia records, letters of references - everything he needs. There is no need for a reference check from the current administration."

I drop my head to the table and start cursing. Not just me, my life but everything around me.