Jealousy

Part 38

Three Months Later

I stretch at my desk and sigh. Life has pretty much returned to a normal routine for me. I'm slowly, ever so slowly letting Phana and Kit back in. I haven't seen anyone from Bangkok since that fateful week. I can't.

I'm keeping up with my weekly counselling sessions with the Administrator. It helps, sometimes. It hurts, a lot. I take my medications. I cry, I laugh... I socialize with the locals.

Life is good, here in the village. I won't say I'm happy. I can say I'm content.

I took time off of work this afternoon to watch Book play his first football match. I kept my promise. The surgery was successful. He's my first heart surgery. I smile and cheer with delight as he scores. I don't know who's yelling more, his mother or me.

My phone starts to vibrate and I pull it out. It's a text from Pha. I sigh and slip it back in my pocket. He just finished the surgery on Forth's knee and it was a success. It was a small bone fragment under the kneecap, complicated by infection and bursitis.

He sent me the xrays and MRI's of his knee, as well as all other test results under "attending physician." How am I an attending physician? I saw him once.

I haven't heard from Forth at all. Not once. I didn't expect too. Forth was quite clear that we were over, that his body needed to be whole to be with me. Snorting softly, I smile. I wasn't whole and I was willing to try...

I give my head a shake. That was a dangerous path to walk. I rarely did that any more, think about what could have been or what I had done wrong. I wanted to look forward, see new possibilities.

One thing I was certain about, was I would be alone. There was no one else for me, except Forth. That was okay, though, one grand love affair was all anyone could wish for in their life. I had mine. I would enjoy all the small things life had to offer. Everything I missed out on before.

Friends. I could make them now. The women in the village who called out to me, in thanks. The young boys who kicked soccer balls and I returned them. Men who asked me to sit and have a beer. It felt like I was part of the village.

The game's over and I walk up to Book and sling my arm around his shoulder. He smiles up to me and with a cheeky grin, "It's a good thing that old man dumped you, Doc! When I graduate, look out!"

I laugh and tap the top of his head. "Grow up first, Book." I smile at the horrified look on his mother's face, mouthing "Don't worry, it's just a crush." She nods and smiles.

I walk back to the hospital in a good mood, just to see Kit and Bennie there. Why? "Hello..." I can't finish as Kit rushes and gives me a hug, compounded by Bennie's crushing one. Both at the same time? I can't breath!

I struggle free. "Don't do that!" I admonish, partly laughing. "Why are you here?"

Kit pouts. "Our wedding! You still haven't RSVP'd. Are you coming or not? I really can't get married without you there, Beam."

I walk over to the patio and sit down. They follow. As usual, Bennie isn't saying much, just letting Kit do all the talking. I'd forgotten they were even getting married. I pull out my phone and look at my schedule. "When is it again?"

Bennie tells me the date. I sigh. It's sooner than I realize. I am actually off for three days, so I can go. "Fine, I will be there, but as a guest only. I won't stand up with you. It's too much, Kit. You do realize that."

It's not Kit who responds, but Bennie. "Whatever you need, Beam. You can even leave after witnessing the ceremony. Kit only needs you there for the wedding. Right, Kit?" He's glaring at Kit, who looks close to crying.

Whoa! Who knew? Kit nods. "Just be there, okay? I love you, and miss you. I really want you at my wedding, Beam. In any way I can."

I nod, mark it down on the calendar in my phone and look up to see them watching. "What? It's in my phone! I will be there." Satisfied, they nod and ask if I can go out to dinner. I nod and tell them to wait.

We have a nice dinner. It's easy and we don't talk about anything that reminds me of the past. Not even Phana is mentioned. I don't care. Laughing, I walk home to my neat little house and forget...

Months go by, my routine is stable until the week before that wedding. For some reason, not even Phana sending me updates about Forth's progress upset me as much as returning to Bangkok.

It's been two years. Almost.

I look at the invitation. Again. I want to pick up the phone and tell Kitty I can't do it, I am not ready. I can't. I promised.

Instead, I make a call to my lawyer and ask him to go to the storage locker and pull out two things: a black suit and a white tuxedo. I have to try both on and see which fits better. I am still the same weight but I am different now. I have muscles in different places.

He ships them to me, along with a whole bunch of letters. Letters that span almost eight or nine months. I gasp when I open the parcel and a flood of them flutter to the ground. There is a few from Phana, one from my mother, the original wedding invitation and forty or fifty from Forth.

Each one says on the front: Do Not Deliver unless Beam is attending the wedding.

What the fuck? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I run from the letters on the bare wooden floor.

I run all the way to the hospital, down the hallway, ignoring the stares from the startled staff and slam open the administrator's door. "Doc," I gasp, trying to catch my breath, "I can't do it. I can't. I can't go to Bangkok. I'm not ready."

He stares at me calmly and motions for me to sit down. He gets up and plugs in his electric kettle. It's his go-to. Tea. As he waits for the tea, he glances at me over his shoulder, "Beam, why do you think you're not ready?"

I don't even hesitate. "Forth will be there. He's been writing to me all along."

"So?" He pours the boiling water over the loose leaves and watches turn color. He waits for me to organize my thoughts. He brings the pot and mugs over. He doesn't talk, just waits patiently.

"I'm scared." I can now say it. "I am scared to see him. What if we just keep hurting each other?"

"You changed. You don't think Forth can too?"

I never considered that. Could he? Would he, to be with me? I take the mug of tea the administrator passes to me and burn my lip by not thinking how hot it is! "Owe! Fuck!" 

He just laughs at me.