Jealousy

Part 8

I drank three cups of coffee after I ate half of the food he did. It was a lot of food for me, but he ate and ate. I just sat there after a while, nursing the cup of coffee, listening to him talk about what he had done after he left me.

Since we fought the day of his graduation ceremony, he found a job immediately after. Lucky him, I thought. He went to work for a huge company on an off shore oil rig. He did that for two years until the company wanted to promote him back to Bangkok.

He wanted to stay away, afraid to see me. So rather than loose him, they sent him to Japan to further his education. He stayed there for a year, then moved on to Australia and South Africa. Now, he had to work at head quarters.

He was in Bangkok for good.

"Beam, I'm not leaving. I make good money now, maybe even match you for earnings." I heard the wistfulness in his voice. All of our past arguments went flying out the window with that statement. I knew what he was saying without him actually saying.

But I still didn't really want to talk about that. Not yet. My mind was confused, in turmoil. Should I have been surprised to hear him say, "Will you tell me what life was like for you?"

My fingers play with the half full cup of cold coffee. Forth gently takes the cup from my hands. I realize he remembers... every small detail of when I'm avoiding talking about my least favorite topic. Me.

"Beam," I hear the gentleness, the compassion coming across. "Please, just talk. Even if its about nothing, just talk."

"I..." Clearing my voice, I start again. "Don't know what to say." My throat hurts from screaming so much this morning? Should I say that? What would he think? I tuck my chin further to my chest and wonder when I turned into such a pussy. Wait? Did I just call myself a derogatory term? Fuck my life...

"Beam, get out of your fucking head and look at me!" The sharpness in his tone brought my head up immediately and I glare at him.

"How dare you tell me what to do!" I snap back. He's fucking grinning. That shit! He knew how I'd react. God, I hate him so much sometimes. I really do.

"Why is it so damn hard for you, Beam?" He reaches through he dirty dishes on the table and grabs my hand. His thumb caresses the top of my hand. I feel my belly clench. My lower back aches, my ass hurts but still his touch brings the desire to the front.

It angers me and I finally snap. The glue that held me together for five long years dissolved with one simple caress across the back of my hand.

"Because I know you'll be gone like the wind, Forth. You don't trust me. You never did. All we had was amazing sex." I pull free of his hand and walk to the window, staring out at the city, teaming with life below.

I want to cry but keep my anger at the front so I don't. "You're an asshole. You never once considered how HARD I worked back then, did you? Everything was all about you. You had to be the center of my universe and if you weren't, you were insanely jealous."

My hands clenched into fists. "I couldn't see my friends, not that I had many. Only two. Just two..." I looked at him. "You didn't even take into consideration that I'd known Pha and Kit for over 10 years by then. If I wanted either of them, I'd have fucked both of them."

I walked right up to his face and stared him down. "You conveniently forgot I was a virgin when it suited you, when you needed to make me feel like shit to boost your ego." I watched the horror cross his face as my words sunk in. Turning away from him I walked back to the window.

Looking back over my shoulder, I gave him a quick glance and then back out the window. "So now, Forth, tell me why I should give you a chance when they say history will always repeat itself?"

"I've changed, Beam. That's why." He waved his hands at my condo. "Open your eyes and look. I did change, Beam. Not for you or us, but for me. I grew up." 

What the fuck was he talking about? My condo looked the way it was supposed too... clean. Clean? What the fuck? Where was the beer cans from last night? Forth never tidied up when we lived together. It was one of our long standing arguments. He must be trying to gain my favor. 

"You're sucking up." I snap back. 

"No, I'm not." He laughed. He laughed at me! At a time like this, he choose to laugh! I'm so pissed I could bite through steel! "I lived with dirtier pigs than me, Beam. After several infestations of cockroaches that wouldn't have happened if they'd only cleaned up after themselves, I learned to be neat."

So what, I thought, so you should. I was so gone in this latest round of talking to myself I once again missed hearing him approach me. I stiffened feeling his arms slide around my waist in a back hug. 

"I'll give you time. I'll date you properly, Beam. All I'm asking, is please don't run from me. Don't lock me out. Don't keep all those thoughts in your head, good or bad. And," he spun me around to face him, "If you're horny, call me. I'll be glad to help out."

Still tired of all of this sweetness, still angry I just couldn't stop myself. I hit him. He wasn't expecting it and flew back, landing on the floor. He lay there, rubbing his jaw. "Fuck, Beam, I thought we were past that."

Shaking my head, I moved past him but swiftly him stood and pulled me to the floor. "I'll just keep loving you until you admit you still have feelings. You wouldn't be this way with just anyone, Beam."

I fucking hate the fact he knows me so well. I do my best to keep my eyes closed, knowing he can read almost every emotion I have through them. He will see right through me if open them right now. Softly, I whisper, "I hate you."

Equally quiet, I hear, "No, you don't. You love me so much that no matter who you dated or tried to sleep with, it never worked out. Be honest, at least with yourself, Beam."

I felt his head rest on my shoulder again. "I have to be honest with myself too, after all these years. I never even tried to replace you, Beam. I never found anyone who could so I stopped trying."

How does he know what I buried so deep inside my heart? Not even Pha and Kit, or Doc Pram know about how badly I failed at dating.