Jealousy

Part 23

1 Year Later

Beam

I sigh as a sweet four year old girl crawls into my lap. "Doc Beam," She lisps, "Want candy." I share a smile with her mother and pat her on the head.

"Not until we finish with your check up, Job." She pouts but obediently lets me take her vitals. I listen to heartbeat, lungs and palpitate her throat. "It looks like she's over the infection. I'd still continue the antibiotics until finished. But bring her back immediately if the fever spikes."

I put Job back on the floor and pull out the hidden candy bowl. Job stretches out her pudgy arm and the tiny hand flashes in and grabs a lollipop. "Tanks, Doc Beam." A huge smile, a tiny waii and mother and child are gone.

I collapse at my desk. The nurse pops in and gives me a smile. "That was the last patient today, Doctor. Rounds and you can go home."

I nod wearily. "Who has call tonight?"

My nurse gives me an evil look. "NOT you. And I've already spoken to every doctor and nurse here. You've taken call way too often, Doctor Baramee. You need some rest."

I don't know what expression I have on my face but she went all motherly on me. "I'll listen, if you ever want to talk." She patted my hand and left.

Well, hell, there went my idea of working myself to sleep. With 16 hours to fill until I didn't have to think about the past, it was going to be one hell of a night.

I had opened up to the senior doctor and admitted that I came here to treat my depression. We got me on a solid regiment and with that under control for the first time, I had finally faced all the other areas of my life.

I had been one solid mess. I was eating normally for the first time. There were no more cycles of binging and starving. I didn't cry for hours and hours, I even slept a good four or five hours without dreaming

Usually. I say usually because nothing stops wanting of the heart. I even finally admitted that I lied to myself just as much as lied to Forth by not talking about my illness.

I know it was my fault. I drove him away.

I'm doing my time. My penance. My lawyer sends me letters from Phana and Kit every so often. I read them and then, I burn them. I'm... I can't.

I can't face them yet. They were my enablers. They covered up for me. They hid me, sheltered me. They let it happen. They didn't RECOGNIZE the best thing ever to happen in my life.

THEY DIDN'T HELP! Then it sinks in, and I know I being unreasonable. I didn't want help back then. I wanted to do everything on my own. Hell, I don't even know if Kit KNEW how bad it was.

If Phana hadn't walked in on me when I tried to kill myself, I know I wouldn't be here.

If Forth hadn't found me on the roof that day, I wouldn't be here. I lied to him that night. I told him I couldn't be around all those students fawning over Phana winning the University Moon. He was trying to find a quiet place.

Our first kiss was my life saving moment... I even told him that. He never really understood the true meaning because I never told him.

I close my eyes and lean back in my chair, enjoying the silence of my office. It's rarely quiet in the hospital. Only two more minutes and I start rounds.

Rounds go by quickly. I actually fell in love with the remote area north of Bangkok. The village is called Nan. There is even a place to not to far away. It's not the beach but as long as it's water, it makes me happy. I never thought I could be this happy outside of the city.

People are friendly. They made me feel so welcome, like I'm part of a huge family. I never had that before either. It was always just Mom and I, Phana and Kit.

Then came Forth... I have to stop that train of thought. Derail it before it takes hold. I've learned that while I can't stop loving him, I can live without him.

I have moved on.

I needed to live.

Forth

I kick the table across my small apartment. I still haven't got much furniture. Now, I shatter the table for two as it hits the wall. Fuck! I really need to manage my temper better.

The most recent lead on Beam was a dead end. Another dead end... I must have been to 30 different hospitals or clinics since I left him that night at Wayo's resort.

I scratch my head with both hands, leaving my hair standing up. Frustrated beyond belief, in tears, I call my mum. "I can't do this anymore, Mom."

"Forth, what's wrong?" She hears the tears. I couldn't do it. I didn't go home. I was too ashamed. But I call once a week and have made up with both my parents. My older brothers have both come to Bangkok and seen me.

I blurt out, "Beam ran away a year ago and none of us can find him. Mom, I need him." The tears start and don't stop. Somewhere I hear Dad say, "Come home, Forth, it's time."

I call in to work and ask for a leave. They grant it. I haven't been a great employee lately, working in spurts but I finished a massive design last week a month ahead of schedule. I know it's amazing work.

I didn't sleep for two weeks.

I pack a bag and drive home. It looks exactly like when I left it 9 years ago. Nothing changed. I shouldn't say that. Both my brothers are married now. Their wives are holding on to children! I'm a fucking uncle now!

Slowly, I get out of the car and mom almost knocks me over with the strength of her hug. "Welcome home, baby." I hug her back. She lets me go and walks me inside. Dad waits at the counter, just like always.

He slides over a drink. "Here, boy." He reaches over to shake my hand. I reach out mine and then when they touch, he pulls me in for a quick hug. I want to cry. It's my first hug from my dad. He turns and leaves the room.

I pick up the drink he poured and walk into the living area and it's noisy. Mom looks at me and says, "Your bag is in your old room. Do you want to rest?"

I shake my head. "I need everyone's help. I need to find Beam."

Mom smiles at me. "Get the map, Dad. Let's see if we can find him."