Jealousy

Part 9

Forth leaves soon after, saying he will be in touch soon. It scares me. I look at my phone and I'm not surprised to see countless messages from Kit and Pha. Sighing, I text Kitty that I'm fine. Phana, I know I will have to call. It's a call I don't want to make.

I put it off for as long as I can but I should have known that as soon as I let Kit know, Pha would find out my phone was back on. I had less than 30 minutes of peace.

I grab one of the remaining cans of beer and settle down on the sofa for the chat. "Hello Daddy Pha, what can I do for you?" Its a leftover from our university days, when Phana used to watch out for Kit and I, but still very much applicable.

In some ways, he was more like my dad than my real father.

I cringe as Pha's voice was loud and strident over the speaker. "What the hell, Beam? You do not go MIA on me ever again! Especially after receiving a shock like I gave you. Do YOU hear me?"

"Yes, Daddy, I got it." I sigh, then take the plunge. I might as well get the liver lecture out of the way early. "I only bought some beer and drank last night."

"Beeeaaammm!" The exasperation in his voice carried over the airwaves clearly. "We've talked about how you can become an alcoholic if you carry on like this. You can't keep drinking like that this early in life. Actually, at no age in life. You're a doctor, you know this!"

"Yes, Daddy." I waited patiently. I know there's more to come and he didn't let me down.

"What happened with Forth? I ran after you only to see Forth follow you. He did follow you, didn't he?"

"You could have called me, Pha." I sighed again.

"I did! It's your fucking habit to hide! You turned your cell phone off as soon as you left the restaurant, didn't you?" He must have hit the table for there was a rattling sound. "You need to grow up, Beam. I just don't understand how Forth still gets to you this much."

That was it. Remember how I said I wasn't a nice man? Well, here goes. "You've never loved anyone, Pha, so I guess you wouldn't understand. When you do, then call me and you can lecture me until birds stop flying in the sky. Until that day, go suck lollipops."

Hanging up and turning off the phone, I lay back on the couch and thought about what tomorrow would bring. Maybe it was time to quit the hospital. I had seen a job posting for a rural hospital... Yes, yes, I know I'm running away from Bangkok and all of this shit but I can't take life lately.

Not with Forth Jaturapoom hunting me.

Not with Phana nagging me.

Not with seeing Kit and Bennie happy and in love.

Depressed, hurting and sore in places that should only hurt in a loving committed relationship, I take two pain pills and crawl back into bed. Let tomorrow take care of itself. I only want to forget about the past 48 hours.

Forth

Well, that was less than spectacular. I sigh as I walk back to my motorcycle. Beam still drives me crazy in ways that no other person ever could. My heart clenches at the thought that I may not succeed in winning his back. 

I quickly dismiss that. Loosing is not part of the game. I have to win! Five years was too long and the only way I survived was knowing that I'd come back as a man, worthy of being his partner. It was that or death. I was headed towards death right up until I saw Phana. 

He told me to stop living my life like a savage, cheating death and live. Live properly. Told me all sorts of things I didn't know... Like how Beam only existed for the first 6 months after I left. I felt satisfaction at that but then... 

The longer I thought, the more I realized, there was no need for it. I had only existed too. I had hurt both of us needlessly and for what? My extreme jealousy over nothing?

Phana had been blunt. He outright asked me why I walked out and I just laughed at him, saying he knew damn well why. 

He stared at me and quietly said, "No, Beam has never said why. Not to anyone. He's only cried and drank his sorrow away."

Something squeezed my heart then, like a hand grabbed it, trying to wring every drop of blood from my body. If Beam and Phana weren't fucking, why wouldn't Beam tell him why I left? So I did. "I asked Beam to stop fucking you."

"I don't have sex, Forth. Didn't Beam tell you that?" My heart stopped. What the fuck? 

Just like I pretended when Beam explained asexual to me, so I said to Pha, "Who the hell doesn't enjoy sex." Listening to Phana's explanation was better than Beam's, but still, I don't fully understand. I can't imagine being with Beam and not wanting to be inside him. 

Phana told me clearly, in no uncertain terms, how much of a fool I had been. Having been strapped to a bed, I listened. And grew more and more remorseful. Years of missing, craving and longing began to resurface. He noticed. 

"You need to make amends with Beam, Forth. Before it's too late." He patted my head, like I was a child. "When you're better, come to Bangkok, I will help you."

Now, I'm here and I'm wondering if it was the right thing. I pull my phone from my pocket and call Phana. "Hey Doc Pha, how's it going?"

"You stupid idiot! What the hell happened last night? Beam hung up on me and has turned off his phone again!" 

I start to laugh. "Isn't that a good thing? He's reacting and not just a zombie in his life right now." I pause beside my bike. It's a hot day. Should I get a Iced Americano before going home? "Doc?"

"Yeah? Forth, don't hurt Beam anymore."

"I'm not planning to. I told him I'm here to win him back. But that's not what I'd like to know." I've made my decision. I go into the coffee shop and continue, "I have a plan and need some help." After I order, I find a quiet corner and continue. "I think we need to make him real angry to find out what he really feels."

"What do you mean? If this ends up...

"Just listen, he wouldn't tell me anything about what's inside, how he feels unless I upset him first. So how can we make him angry or keep him off balance? We need to get all five years of emotion out at once. Then, I'll find out if he still loves me."

I'm out of breath now. Eagerly waiting to hear what Phana thinks, I sip my coffee.... when he says, "It might work. God knows, being patient and gentle definitely hasn't. Beam snoops, so don't text and delete after every call."

I smile and finish my coffee. At least, Phana still believes that I am good for Beam. It's enough to keep me going.