Jealousy

Part 26

"Beam, talk to me. Tell me. You'll feel better. I know, I did. I went home." I glance over at him. He never went home. Not once. He nods. "I really did. I met the whole family. I didn't have an argument or fight with anyone."

He sighed and kept rubbing my back. I don't know why I don't move away. I should. "I really should have gone back much sooner. I called them and actually talked to dad when I met you the first time. Now that was harder than meeting you."

His hand stills and then continues, "So just start talking. I'll listen. You will feel better, I promise."

I don't know... but I did say no more lies. I even promised myself back then not to lie to Forth anymore. I stand up abruptly. I do know it's not happening on the bed where we fucked. "Not here. Outside."

Back on the porch, the moon hasn't risen yet but the stars are twinkling. Next to seeing the sun rising and setting, this half light is amazing. Not too dark but not bright either. You see shadows only. I have only a small light on in the kitchen. WE are nothing but shadows.

"Forth, do you know how long Phana, Kit and I have known each other?" He nods. "I was sure I'd told you, but the story starts there so I'll begin there. My mom, well, I do love her. She's busy all the time. All the time and for me, being left with nannies was boring. I was told to be good and bring good grades. That was it. I didn't know how to play with other kids until I met Pha and Kit. I was 10. We were inseparable after that."

I lean against the porch rail staring out over the dark space, trying to organize my thoughts. "Puberty hit with a bang. Kit starts talking about girls. I mean, all the time. He's 14. I am looking at everyone. It's confusing. I don't know if I like boys or girls or both. I don't know who is safe to ask. Pha is the smartest person I know so I ask him. His idea was to kiss. So we did."

I don't look at him. I can't. "I liked it. The kiss, not Pha. But Pha said I had to kiss a girl too. That was easy. I found one and kissed her and it, it wasn't the same. Pha told me that I was normal. It was okay. I went back home and talked with my mom. Mom was angry. Told me 14 was too young to decide sexuality and that I needed to "grow up first." My hands clenched around the rail, knuckles turning white.

"Things started to spiral out of control after that. I needed to become more "normal" for my mom. Pha became worried, Kit was proud of me. I was dating every girl who asked me, but only once. I felt literally nothing for any of them. I was the master of pleasure, of faking. I took nothing but gave, gave and gave. Each girl felt amazing. I was empty inside and it ate me up."

I could feel him come closer and I snapped, "Don't touch me or I won't be able to finish this. Just don't. Anyways, fast forward to our senior year and I'm such a sad playboy. Pha can see how bad I am. He's always watching me. Always. He's now running interference between the girls and me. We fight and I miss a whole month of school with Kit bringing me my school work."

"I am so depressed, I don't even get out of my bed and it's over a fucking fight with Pha!" I flop forward like a young kid over the rail and hang. Then I stand up and face him. "My mom panics and sends me to my first psychiatrist. I go back to school. Pha knows. Somehow he knows that I'm depressed. The diagnosis is clinical depression. I will always be depressed."

I keep my eyes on him. "I don't like how the medication makes me feel. I am spaced out. Drowsy. I wanted to sleep before but now I'm like the walking dead. I'm getting fat and I hate that even more. I stop taking the medication. Two months after I do that, Phana finds me with his dad's razor in my bathroom trying to figure out the best way to end everything. It just hurt so much."

Forth grabs my hand and I jerk free. "I told you not to touch me." I fight back the tears. If he gives me any sympathy, I'm going to cry like a baby. I know it. "After that, Pha became more like my dad than a friend. He was always watching me. He convinced me to go back to the doctor and get a different medication. In exchange, he would never tell anyone about that incident."

I gave Forth the evil eye. "Until last year, I believed him. Anyways, the new medication was better. I didn't sleep around much, only flirted. But I still wanted boys, only boys. Knowing I had to be with a girl would sometimes send me spiraling. I went back into therapy just before starting my junior year of University."

I took a deep breath. "I was still depressed, but the doctor changed my diagnosis. I'm not chronic, it was manic depression. He changed my medication again. That stuff had horrid side effects. Everything from dry mouth to changing my sex drive. I was no longer myself. That was the "me" you met on the rooftop that night. I didn't want to live anymore."

"You kept me sane for the most part. That first year, I didn't need the medication. Then, as we started to argue more and more, I went back into counselling. I needed the medication to stay stable and my mind would drift. I couldn't follow conversations. I couldn't remember things well. All side effects."

I gave a grim smile. "Your accusations of cheating hurt so bad. Phana hurt me too, by always telling me you needed to know. Was it so wrong to want to be normal for you? The day you left, I had a breakdown. I took all my pills but threw them up while I was crying and then fell asleep. When I woke hours later, I called Pha. He cleaned me up and I tried to move on. I couldn't."

"Depression is a vicious cycle, just like our relationship, Forth. You want to start this again? I can't. Go home. I'm finally happy here."

Forth spun me around to look face him. I couldn't see the expression on his face, here on the shadowy porch. "Beam Baramee, you were the one who said no more lies. Do you really believe that will drive me away? I learned some new words... chronic and manic. I don't understand what the difference is, but I will." 

He let go of me and said, "Call Phana. He's very worried. He never once ratted you out." 

I watched him walk away and swore. I knew he'd be back.