Jealousy

Part 4

My chest hurt staring at him. I'm full of conflicted feelings. I want to hit him so badly for all of the pain and suffering I've gone through. The sleepless nights, hours of endless exercises - all futile attempts to forget him. Yet, here he is, begging for MY forgiveness.

Another part of me wants to gather him in my arms and kiss him. Tenderly, possessively. Find out if it's the same as it used to be. Would it be as good as it used to be... I get hard just thinking about it.

I do nothing.

It's the safest thing I can do. I drink from the can of beer I'm holding and say nothing, pretending he's not here. He waits patiently until he can't take it.

I wasn't expecting what he does next and my half full can of beer goes flying as he tackles me to the floor. His lips smash against mine. I hear him mutter, "I can't take it anymore, you stubborn asshole."

I'm overwhelmed. I'm ashamed that I feel this way. It's fucking amazing how his lips move against mine. He hasn't forgotten how to kiss me into a mindless, moaning puddle.

As he moves to nibble on my ear, I hear him whisper, "I told you not to put a shirt on. See? Only getting in the way..." His tongue slips into my ear and I whimper as his fingertips graze my nipples. I'm beyond hard now. If I don't stop this, he'll be slipping more than his tongue into my body!

Once again, that nagging voice in the back of my head tells me to finally be honest with myself. I don't want to stop it. I've missed this, I missed him. One night of wild Forth passionate sex before... before...

Who the fuck am I kidding? One night and I will want more. I have always wanted more from Forth than he could give me. I loved him with everything I had, no have, and he LEFT me.

My senses returned and I push as hard as I can and he goes flying.

"What the hell, Beam? I know you were enjoying that." He rubs the thigh that hit the low table. Sighing softly, he grabs a new beer and leans back against the couch. "You taste and smell the same. God, I've missed you."

I'm back to being angry again. He missed me, huh? He MISSED me? I've always felt wronged in the relationship. But this... this was just so damn unfair! Standing up, I walk closer and look down at him, sitting comfortably on my floor, drinking beer. I kick him, hard.

"You're a fucking asshole. You slam out of my god damn life five years ago, Forth Jaturapoom, accusing me of fucking around and now," words are failing me. But then I draw in several deep breaths the way Doc Pram taught me, and continue, "And now, you're back, thinking an I'm sorry, will satisfy me and then we can fuck?"

"Well, guess what? You can go and fuck yourself! Or use your god damn hand!" I swiftly kick him again. "But you're not fucking me! You asshole!"

My emotions are running so high, I know if I don't get out of his space, I'm going to cry. I quickly run to my bedroom and slam the door shut. Just before the tears start to fall, I realize it's not safe unless I lock the door. I get up and turn the lock just as Forth starts to jiggle the knob.

I slide to the floor and cry my heart out as he hammers on the door, pleading for me to open it.

Not one fucking chance in hell. My broken heart deserves privacy, thank you very much!

Forth

Well, that was a complete disaster but after all this time, he knew it would be no matter what he did. Actually, he wanted to come back to Beam five minutes after he left but he was ashamed. Too immature and too stupid to accept that he had made a mistake.

Instead, he kept tabs on him throughout the years. He knew that Beam dated sporadically in the first couple of years. He almost killed himself then... with every new person, he would drink himself to oblivion. Then there was no one. Beam became a walking ghost, a frail one at that.

The guilt was heavy on his soul. He knew he had no one but himself to blame for Beam becoming like that, it was all on him. Then, late last year, he fell.

He spent 5 months in the hospital and one of the doctors to see him was Doc Pha. Apparently, he was a "special case." He didn't know what was so unique about his case, but the doctors were all fascinated.

So what if he had 3 broken bones in his foot, 9 breaks in his leg and a cracked pelvis and 4 breaks in his arm? He needed to get to help, so he walked to the nearest help. It was almost 4 km away from where he fell.

By the time he was in the hospital for two days, the doctors had taken his crutches away. At five days, they had taken his wheelchair away. Who actually stayed in bed when they said bedrest, he wondered? And bedrest for a whole damn month??? That was just not possible!

Put a damn cast on it, he pleaded, I'll be fine, just let me out. They wouldn't. They tied his foot and leg up to keep in bed. Then Phana showed up and made him realize why he was so willing to die.

Anything to forget Beam.

Phana took one look at the shape Forth was in, and all the scars and tattoos decorating his body and knew instantly that he was in no better shape than Beam. They both hurt. What were these two idiots doing?

Yet, Forth was the one to leave so it had to be Forth to return. It took a year to convince him that maybe, just maybe, Beam might be willing to listen to what he had to say.

Why did he have to listen to that meddlesome doctor, anyways?

Look where it got him? Nowhere... 

Suddenly standing, I turn and shout at the closed door between Beam and I, "I'm not leaving! Go ahead and call the police! Tell them your crazy ex-lover is loose in your apartment, drunk!" I knock my head against the door, once, twice...

Feeling slow tears start to roll down my face, I repeat softer now, "It was my fuck up, Beamie, I knew it then, I know it now. I knew it standing on the corner of the street, staring back at the dorm. But you didn't come after me."

Sinking to the floor along the door, I continued to talk. "I waited on that corner all night, you know. Until The Great Phana turned up and told me to leave. I'd done the unthinkable and broken our love."

"Why? Why Beam? Why didn't you just come after me?" I used the back of my hand to wipe the snot from my nose. I was silently crying. My tears were always silent, even back then. Beam had been the dramatic one, well, up until I had my big melt down.

A/N: I know the picture doesn't quite fit the theme, but hey, YOU find a picture of them together with Dome NOT smiling. I looked forever. Finding one of Pavel looking at him, well, you get it, was easy!