Jealousy

Part 31

All day I parts of my life come and go, good and bad. It's like hitting the pause button while watching a movie. Why DID I act like that then? Were things really that desperate? What the fuck was I thinking?

I have perspective for the very first time. Real, bright shining absolute clarity. Not how I have lied to all the damn doctors for years. I am not evading, or dancing around the truth. I actually am seeing myself for the first time.

I don't like it. 

Moving to the mountains, the fresh air, LEAVING everyone behind, all those who enabled me to BE sick was the right move. It forced me to do two things that I would have never done back in Bangkok:

1. Grow up and face my own illness, and
2. Admit my own errors.

How did I miss the fact that all along I've been JEALOUS of Phana, Kit and Forth? As evening draws to a close, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It's my nurse. I read the text, smile and put it back. The administrator knows me well.

I look in the fridge and he left me food. I DID skip lunch. I pull out the cold food and grab a small pot. I've learned to cook (well, refined my cooking up here) and quickly turn the ingredients into a quick soup to go with noodles.

It's better than 3 minute ramen, even with the addition of an egg and fresh vegetables, which I practically lived on before. Well, that and take out, when I would eat.

"Jealousy," I muse, "I've been fucking jealous." How in the hell did I miss it? Me? Lost in my own head for so many years, self examining every damn move I made for maximum impact. I've been jealous!

Jealous of Pha's confidence and knowledge of exactly what his goal is. His unwavering determination.

Jealous of Kit's confidence in who he is, and even when he was flustered by Ming, he always KNEW he was Kitty. He never wavered and doubted his identity. He even came out to his stubborn, horribly stiff Chinese descent family for Ming.

Jealous of Forth, for having a loving, supportive family. At least, compared to mine. Inside, I knew my mom loved me. Technically, Mom knew Forth and I had an affair, but she never acknowledged it. Not once. She won't even acknowledge my sexuality. It's so bad that it's strained our relationship still.

Jealous that the reason Forth ran from home is that he was upset because he felt smothered by love.

How BADLY I wanted to be loved that way by family?

I stand on the top step and lean against the rail, cradling a cup of tea. I stare blindly out over the setting sun, unaware of the tears rolling down my face. At least, until my nose starts to drip. I sigh, and wipe them with the back of my hand.

I say a quiet farewell. It's to my youth. To the bad me who hurt all those people. To help me start anew. The words float away on the soft breeze. I turn and enter my little home. My heart is once again quiet. After work, I will talk with Forth.

Forth

I couldn't help it. I watched him all day. I need him, but I listened to that old doc guy, gave him space. I watched, hidden from the bushes as the doc let himself into Beam's house. Well, fuck, if he had a key, why didn't he just say so?

He stayed a while then left, whistling. What an annoying man!

Beam came outside after a while and I had to hide fast. I think he spotted me, but I am not sure. No police showed up. He hung up laundry and then I didn't see anything.

I did find his ants though... The damn things are vicious here! I think my legs will be covered in angry red bites tomorrow. They itch but I'm trying my best to not scratch. Beam is my ultimate goal and I'm not leaving him. No more running, no more hiding, YOU said that.

By nightfall, I've eaten all my food and I'm hungry. Thirsty. I want to knock on his door. I'm just about to give up when he re-emerges and stands on his porch. He looks wistful. I move closer and closer, the twilight providing great cover.

He is beautiful and my heart skips a beat. My arms itch to hold him. Fuck that, I want to kiss him, tell him it will be okay, even if it won't. Hastily, I cover my mouth. He's crying!

I drop to my heels. He's fucking crying.

"Farewell, Beam! Farewell, Boys! You were good to me." What the fuck was that? What in the hell did he mean by that? Is he running again. I feel dead inside.

I stand, and stumble down the rapidly darkening path, until I can't see. I turn on my cell phone light and find my car where it's parked. I sit in it and it's my turn.

I tried. I did. I really did. I couldn't stop the tears. I cried.

When they stopped, I drove to the hostel and packed my bag. I'll tell Phana and Kit I'm leaving in the morning.

When I wake in the morning, my heart is so heavy, I lay there. I don't want to get up out of this bed. I lay there, having completely forgotten that we made breakfast plans. 

Who's the we? Phana, Kit and his man. I'm so fucking jealous every time I see those two damn lovebirds, it damn near chokes me. I HAD that with Beam and I threw it away. 

Once again, jealousy is drowning me. Why am I associating with these men? They are not MY friends? They never were. They are Beam's. They never liked me. They did everything possible to prevent me from seeing him.

I swear, as the pounding on the door matches the pounding in my head. "Fuck off!" I scream. "I got it. I'm getting up. 

"Forth, get your ass out of that bed or I will get the young lady to let me in!" Of course, it's Phana. I should have known. I sigh and walk to the door and let him in. I don't care about my state of dress. 

He's entering MY damn room. I don't realize he has Kit and his man with him. Kit gasps and screams. I start laughing as he pushes Bennie back. Phana sighs. "Was it too much trouble to put at least underwear on?"

I shrug. I know I have a good body. "You told me to open the door. I opened the door. We are all men. What's the problem?" I walk to the small stack of clothes I left out and start to dress.