Jealousy

Part 24

We sit there, marking all the places on the map. It's a slow steady spiral out from Bangkok. All of a sudden, Dad gives a sudden shout and gives me the stink eye.

"Boy, I always knew you were dumb as shit!" He disappears and returns with his laptop.

Mom starts laughing. "I think he's found your Beam and made a way to make you feel like you've wasted a whole year!"

I don't care! I will grovel if he has! I don't get my hopes up, though, from what Phana said, Beam is great at hiding. This past year has proven THAT fact to me!

Dad looks over at me. "So, Beam did become a doctor, yes?" I nod. "He will need to work to support himself. That means he needs a job. That means he needs his references. Unless he changed his name legally, in which case, his references don't mean shit, he IS still Beam Baramee. We just have to figure out WHAT jobs were open at the time he ran."

Well, hell, why didn't I think of that?

Dad starts typing after clarifying the date range and comes up with five possibilities. Only five places to check - four hospitals and one clinic, all in remote areas. Five is doable in the time I have off.

He prints off the list and gives me an odd look. "Boy, family is here to help. We can't do that if you don't share your troubles." He doesn't say anything else and takes his laptop and leaves.

Mom gives me the list and pats my knee. "Stay for a few days, dear. You look like hell."

I nod. "I will, mom." I am more relaxed and at ease than at any time in the past year. "I'm going up to rest now." She nods.

"I'll see you at dinner."

I walk slowly to my old room. It's still the room of an young angry teen boy, who was into motorcycles and computers. My idols are plastered to the walls. Why didn't they change anything? I shake my head and fall into the tiny bed.

I hear a knock on the door and answer, "Come in." As I swing to sit up, my older brother enters and sits on my desk chair.

He studies me. "You look like shit."

I laugh. What else can I do? So many have said the same thing, so it must be true.

"Take off your shirt." What?

"Why?" I blank my face. We used to have many fights. He's eight years older than me, and perfect, in our parents eyes. I never was good enough. I didn't study hard enough, get good enough grades... and I got into fights. It didn't matter that they were only to defend myself, fighting was bad.

"Must you still argue with me? Just do it." He sounds tired, old.

"Fine." I pull off the soft, well worn t-shirt and stand there and hear him gasp.

He walks up to me and stares. "I don't care about the tattoos. I knew you had that big one your first year in university. But those scars... are they from fighting?" He wants to touch them but the hand he raised drops without touching me.

I shake my head. "No. Accidents at work. It's a hard job, being on an offshore drilling rig. This is my worst." I drop my pants and show the one on my leg. "I got that on a vacation. I was climbing a sight seeing tower and the wood was rotten. I fell two stories." I left out the rest of it.

I get back dressed and sit on my bed. My brother sits back down on the chair and sighs. "I tried to find you after graduation, you know. I couldn't. Where did you run to?"

I hesitate. Then taking a deep breath, I look at him and say softly, "Do you really love your wife? I mean really love her so much that you could die for her?"

"I don't know. I love her, yes. If it's that deep, who knows?" He's pragmatic where I'm not. I've always been more emotional.

"I did something really bad, Bro, really, really bad. I needed to heal. By the time I came to terms with it, it was too late. I hurt a lot of people. My family, friends and the one person I would die for." I didn't know I was crying. "I didn't run away as much as I went deeper into myself to escape. I only worked for the longest time, taking vacation when they forced me."

He moves to sit beside me and pats my back. "Beam?"

"I need him."

"We need you too." He sighs, "I'd like my kids to know their Uncle Forth."

"I want them to know Beam." All this honesty is exhausting. "Go away, bro, you're tiring. I push him away. "I want to sleep until dinner."

He laughs and leaves. The next two days pass in a blur of activity. It hits home why my oldest bro wanted me to know his boy. He's just like me. A damn terror. He says what feels, does what he wants and fights back. I fell in love with him!

My closest brother has two sweet girls, one just beginning to walk and a babe in arms. Both of their wives are nice. Not what I'd choose but I'm not sleeping in their beds or living in their houses.

My parents are thrilled with being grandparents and having all of the children and grandchildren around. My mom is having the time of her life, spoiling everyone. Dad grumbles but those kids, well, they use him like a jungle gym! I wish, when I was a kid, I had a relationship like that with Dad. Maybe I wouldn't have been so afraid to tell him how badly I fucked up with Beam.

I wish them happy lives.

Before I go, I call Phana. He needs to know exactly what my plans are. One of us off the grid is bad enough. I'm not sure why Beam hasn't returned any calls. Maybe there isn't cellular service where he is. Some areas of Thailand still are rural enough that phones don't work. 

In any case, I give him all the details, including my supervisor's contact information. You never know. I have three weeks to go. I have a really bad what if scenario in my head. 

It tells me that this is my last chance to find him. It scares me but I'm thrilled at the same time to start a new adventure. I go to the temple and pray before leaving. Mom and Dad come with me. 

As I drive off with everyone waving, I'm smiling. My cheeks hurt. I haven't smiled like this in over a year. It makes me realize that you really do need your family, friends and loved ones. I now also know that... 

I want a happy life too.

I want a happy life like that with Beam.