Jealousy

Part 39

Forth

Phana looked at me critically. "There's no sign of a limp, Forth. It's all in your dumb head." He manipulated the knee carefully watching my face for signs of discomfort. Nothing. He lightly traced the latest scar. Settling back, "I did a good job. There's hardly any scar tissue."

Scowling, I met him stare for stare. "I can't wait until I don't have to look at your ugly face!"

"Then you should be happy today." He wasn't looking at me anymore, instead, typing on his computer. "After this appointment, unless you feel pain or discomfort, you are free to resume normal living." Wait, what?

"You mean I can ride my motorcycle? Run? Jump?" Have sex? I kept the last thought to myself... I only wrote down those thoughts to Beam. I dream about him almost every night. I felt guilty about our last night together, yet...

Yet it was amazing.

Phana glanced at me, a twinkle in his eye. "Yes, everything." Quickly, he reached out and grabbed my forearm. "You are coming to Kit and Bennie's wedding this weekend?"

Seriously, who asks a man to attend a wedding in their fucking underwear? This man has no tact! "What? Doc, let me go, I want to put my pants on."

"Later, answer me. Are you coming or not?"

I wasn't going to. I had written to Beam but never heard back. I was only going if he attended. He wasn't coming. "No."

"Because you won't see Beam?"

"You're not my head doc, you're my leg doc." I'm snappish now. I didn't need Phana to know I have been seeing a counsellor to work on my jealousy. Actually, a lot of things. Why I'm so angry with the whole world...

Phana drops my arm and sighs. "No, and I'd make a horrible counsellor. I failed Beam miserably when I tried. I don't even want to attempt with you. I just wanted to say, be there. Beam is coming."

I hide my expression. Does he even know he just fucking shattered what remained of my heart into a thousand little pieces? Beam is going and didn't write to me?

I pull on my pants and walk out of there without saying another word. I can't. Tears have built up in my throat so badly, I might choke to death.

I walk right into a wall. It grabs me and swings me around, into a private nook. "Pauvre bébé, laissez-le sortir. Il suffit de pleurer." (Poor baby, let it out. Just cry.) Ben. The wall is Ben. He holds me, shielding me from the public walking by as once again I cry in his arms. Finally, I'm cried out and he hands me a handkerchief.

Who carries them anymore? I guess he does. I take it and wipe my nose, stuffing it in my pocket. I will clean it and return it. "Thanks."

"What did Phana do now?" His Thai is a bit better, but still stilted. I smile and shrug.

"Nothing." He eyes me.

"Ensuite, c'est Beam. Vous ne pleurez que sur Beam." (Then it is Beam. You only cry over Beam.) He waits patiently. I don't say anything. "Je veux vous voir danser à mon mariage, Forth. Vous serez là, oui?" (I want to see you dance at my wedding, Forth. You will be there, yes?)

Slowly, I shake my head. "Non." I can't. Beam doesn't want me anymore.

"Pourquoi?" (Why?)

I can't explain. I can't tell him about the letters, the lonely, horny nights. How badly I want, no, need Beam. How much I miss him. How Beam doesn't return my feelings any more. I shake my head, not willing to start crying again. Damn therapy, all it did was make me feel like a crybaby sometimes.

He sighs. "Forth, vous serez là, même si je suis en retard à mon propre mariage. Je vais te trouver, t'habiller et t'apporter. Ne me faites pas faire ça. Vous êtes l'un de MES rares amis ici." (Forth, you will be there, even if I am late to my own wedding. I will find you, dress you and bring you. Don't make me do that. You are one of MY few friends here.)

The gorilla counts me as a friend? Fuck, guilt settles heavy on my soul. I have to attend now. I nod in agreement. I will go. I had made good friends with guilt lately. I could drown myself in guilt.

Days pass in a blur as I feel the wind in my hair again. I blow the cobwebs from my brain, riding the motorcycle that has gathered dust for almost a year. It had been easier looking for Beam with the Audi. I went home and saw Mom and Dad. 

Dad took one look at me and knew I'd been torturing myself again. He wacked the back of my head just like he used to when I was a kid. "Boy, get your head out of your ass!"

Mom laughed and left us to talk. I rubbed my sore head and glared at him. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"You want him, Beam, right?" I nod. "Did you really think that pouring out your feelings on fucking PAPER would win him back? Actions not words, boy! Actions! How is he supposed to know how much you've grown and changed if you write it down?"

Dad walked over to the whisky and pored a shot. He held up the bottle and I shook my head. "Not staying tonight. I'm driving home." He nodded and closed the bottle. 

"Look," He said, sitting down beside me, "Actions carry weight, so do words but only if they are combined. If I look at you and say, in a perfectly normal voice, I hate you. Do you believe me?"

I shake my head no. 

Dad then roars at the top of his lungs, "You fucking little brat, I fucking hate you!"

I shiver, remembering all the fights. "I see the difference. Actions and words, huh." I sigh, flashes of our last encounter enters my memory.

Dad pat's my knee. "It wasn't a good time, was it. Your last meeting?" I shake my head, a blush covers my cheeks. He smiles. "So boy, go to the wedding and change Beam's mind. Show him that you have changed."

"You have, you know. You've grown into a young man we can be proud of." 

Mom comes back into the room. "Forth, you're staying for dinner. Your brothers are coming over." I nod, lost in thought. 

Was this how it was for Beam all those years ago? Always filled with self doubt? I make a quick call to my therapist. After she reassures me that yes, I have the tools to handle the situation, I know I can do this. 

I have changed. I am not angry anymore. Okay, let's say I have a better handle on the fears that control the anger. I have grown up. I am not jealous anymore. I have wishes, desires... but doesn't that belong in any relationship, not just mine?