Jealousy

Part 40

Beam

I booked a room in the hotel where they are holding the wedding. It's best, that way I can escape (run, hide) if I need to. Driving into Bangkok was overwhelming after the biggest traffic jam I'd seen in months was three cars at an intersection.

I refused to read Forth's letters. I did read my mother's. I shouldn't have. I spent a whole hour spewing hate at the Doc. I never realized that I had such a love/hate relationship with her. She's absolutely toxic to my life. Nothing I have ever accomplished has made her proud. Nothing.

I got good grades. I wasn't the top student, so do better. How? Phana was the best. No one could beat him. I was handsome, but I am gay. So tear me apart. Take me to doctor after doctor and teach me that I'm not normal. I was fourteen fucking years old!

Instead of spending time with me, throw me to the nannies and give me money. Lots and lots of money and let me raise myself. I never really understood where all my trust issues came from. Why I could be so happy when someone paid attention to me and fall hard when they stopped.

Or why, it felt empty when I got compliments. Why it always felt like someone wanted something I couldn't give them.

Only with Forth did I feel complete.

My mother had cancer and wanted me to come home, now, thank you very much. She wanted her son, the doctor, to confirm the diagnosis. She only trusted me. I'm not an oncologist. I can't confirm her diagnosis. I won't.

Again, I'm only useful because she needs me. Well, fuck you, mother. This gay son is done.

I let it out and cried in his arms. He held me as a friend, not my doctor. Before, I'd never dealt with my mother, only Forth, and my friends, my true family.

It was all out now. Everything. The doc patted my back and told me I did good. That was it. I did good.

I dropped my small bag and the hanger with the black suit on the bed. The tuxedo didn't fit. I had become broader in the shoulders, narrower in the waist. I glanced at the full mirror on the back of the door and sighed. I need to shave and a hair cut. I look like a savage.

I strip and head for the shower. I moan with delight at my first hot water shower in months. I spend way too long in there, letting my skin wrinkle but really I don't care. I am freshly shaven and I stare at my dark skin, clearly seeing that I don't shave nearly often enough. I'm too lazy.

I call down to the desk, asking if they have an onsite barber. I can't attend a wedding with this hair. They do, and he does room service. I make an appointment. I then slip into a pair of board shorts and crawl into bed. I'm tired. It may be only noon, but I was up early for the drive down.

The call from the desk wakes me to remind me about the hair cut. I throw on a t-shirt as the knock comes. I open the door to a very handsome young man. He smiles broadly at me and wheels in a cart. "Good afternoon, sir. I'm here to style your hair."

I nod and shut the door behind him. He's already set up his station at the small table in the room. I walk over and sit down on the chair. He pulls out a small spray bottle. "Do you have any particular style in mind?" I snort. The old Beam would know exactly how he wanted it, down to each strand.

"No, do whatever you think is best. I'm attending a wedding tomorrow."

"Do you mind if I give you the latest style? I think it would look great on you!" He's running both hands through my hair, almost giving me a massage. It feels nice. I nod. "Wonderful!"

He keeps up a running chatter as his scissors and water bottle alternately spray and snip. It's making me sleepy. I know I'm stressed, it's compounding my sleepiness. I may have to take another pill to fight it, but not today. Today...

"Sir? I can cut if you wish to sleep. I am good." His hands move down and he gives me a shoulder massage. He has a light touch. It's not Forth. It feels nice. It's not Forth.

I've never been with another man but Forth. It feels nice.

He returns to cutting my hair, snip, snip, snip... and I actually fall asleep. I wake to his fingers running through my hair. Gently.

He holds a mirror in front of me. I gasp. It's short and neat. It sets of my face perfectly. He's cut it so that it just swoops above my eyebrows but I can style it like he has, swept up and off my face. He neatly rounded the back above my ears and neck. The mirror clatters back to the table.

"You look like a busy man. It's an easy style to take care of. I changed my mind when you fell asleep. You didn't need something fussy." He doesn't stop playing in my hair. I reach up and hold his wrist, stilling his hand.

"I'm not interested." I say it softly "Thank you." I am very flattered.

He sighs. "Pity." He trails his fingertips along my smooth neck. I feel nothing. He's not Forth.

I stand and smile down at him. He's actually young, younger than I thought. He's also something that I could never be, brave. "I mean it." I take his hand, and shake it. "Thank you. You won't understand, but thank you."

He packs up his things. As he cleans up my hair, he turns and sighs, "Why are all the nice gay men taken? Look at the wedding tomorrow! It's the only reason I put the move on you, you're the only one checked in alone."

I laugh. I think I will have fun after all. I walk him to the door and he turns, "If you need an escort, call to the desk and ask for me. I'll be happy to be your partner!"

I don't see anyone as the door closes but I should have known...

Forth

I slam my fist into the wall as that simpering ladyboy leaves Beam's room. I wanted to hit him, pummel him to the ground for doing something I can't! Laughing, touching, flirting with MY Beam.

But he isn't my Beam anymore is he, the voice of reason, no it's Dad's fucking voice! Fuck!

I walk quickly back to the stairs and let the door slam behind me. I am checking out of this fucking hell hotel and won't be back until tomorrow.

I will watch Kit and Bennie get married, quietly, from whatever pot or flower I can hide behind and then run as fast as my newly repaired knee will let me.

Fuck all of them! Fuck these so called friends who screwed up my life!