Jealousy

Part 37

Phana, Kit and that over grown monkey stare silently at me back at the hostel. Fine, I'm sullen. I'm angry. I'm acting like a fucking two year old who's having a mother fucking temper tantrum! Am I not allowed? I've just fucking learned I've got a death sentence hanging over my damn head!

I WILL NOT LET ANYONE PITY ME!

Phana sighs. He sighs again. "I told you not to hurt him again, Forth." He's lecturing me? Who the fuck does he think he is? "Why did you look for him so badly if you were not going to be together?"

"I hate you." I really do. This man, he's been the thorn in our side the whole time together. He pokes and pokes where he has no right, digging until we've bled. "I really fucking hate you." They may not let me run, but I don't have to say anything else.

I close my eyes and don't look at them. I just let the words they speak wash over me. Finally, I hear noises and the door closing. I open them to see the silent, big gorilla that captured me is left.

Growling, "Why are you still here?"

He shrugs and gives me a smile. "I think," he pauses, as if to search for the right words. "Keep you from leaving?" He shrugs again. "Call me Ben." Whatever. I am not really listening to his halting words... but part of it, suddenly sticks.

"I came to Thailand because I was sick, is that the right word? I don't know. Let's say sick. I wanted to see world, I came. I stayed because I met Kit on a business deal for my family. I am in treatment now. I am doing better because I met someone who cares. Yes?"

His face is smiling, his eyes are twinkling. He pats his belly. "The medicine gives me hope but gives me a tummy. I can't change it. Kit likes me, me. As I am."

He leans back in that floral arm chair that Phana likes, with the wide rolled arms. He fills it with his huge body, his legs fully extended. He switches to French. "Nous avons une vie, vivez-la." (We have one life, live it.)

"Oui. Peux-tu? Avec une jambe?" (Yes. Can you? With one leg?) My French is basic but I do understand and speak enough to get by. This Ben guy claps in delight. Working on the rigs and foreign countries, you meet and adapt to everyone. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived.

Ben shrugs again. "Mais bien sûr! Pour Kit, je peux tout faire!" (But of course! For Kit, I can do anything!)

I grind my teeth. "Is it so hard to see why I don't want him to be with me when I am weak?"

"Non." He stands and moves to kneel by my bed. Who knew this gorilla was this compassionate? "Mais êtes-vous gêné d'être faible ou honteux?" (But are you embarrassed to be weak or ashamed?)

I haven't considered it. Only that I don't want to be weak. "Beam needs someone strong. I can't be weak." I sounds stupid saying out loud.

He gives a laugh. "Vous évitez de répondre à ma question. Réessayez." (You're avoiding answering my question. Try again.)

I don't want to. I really don't. I am beginning to realize how stupid I am. Fucking foreigner! "Fuck you!" I bend my head to hide my tears that are starting to fall. He moves up on to the bed and gathers me into a hug.

Why did he fucking do that? I loose it. I cry. I cry for Beam. I cry for myself. I cry for the future. I simply just cry. I let it all out and that damn Ben just holds me, patting my back every now and then. After a while, I sniffle, and sigh.

"Tout dehors?" (All out?) I nod silently and he stands up and returns with a wet hand towel. I clean up and he returns to the chair. "J'aime ça. Il n'y a pas beaucoup de gens avec qui je peux converser dans ma langue maternelle." (I like this. There isn't many people who I can converse with in my native language.) He gives me a big smile.

It's so random, I start to laugh helplessly.

Beam

I am so scared and worried. I can't clean. I can't eat. I start to nibble on my nails. It's a bad habit I broke when I was 14! Shit! I look down at my torn nails and sigh. I have a surgery in two days and go and look for a nail clipper. Who wants a doctor with teeth ravaged hands?

Finally my phone vibrates in my pocket. I answer it and all Pha says, "We found him."

I collapse to the floor in relief. I hear him calling my name but I just let the emotions wash over me. I don't care if I can't see him again. He's okay. Pha will make sure he gets the medical help he needs.

I can cope with my feelings, once again. I am on medication.

If I don't go back to Bangkok, and stay with the Administrator, in my counselling sessions, I think I can actually stay on top of my depression. I know I have to put myself first. I am important.

I love him. I do love Forth, but I have to love myself.

I don't think I have ever loved myself until I came up here. It took a long time to understand that I was seeking love in other people and it wouldn't matter how much love they gave me, until I could love who I was, as I was, I would always be in pain.

Sighing deeply, I picked up my phone and called the administrator. As my friend, maybe my doctor, I don't know. "Are you busy?"

"Why?" He's quite snappish on off hours but he's been good during episodes before.

"I hate you, you know that." Ah, I heard when he came alive.

"Beam, I'll be there in five minutes."

I still hadn't picked myself up from the floor when he arrived. He stared at the spotless house. He looked at my face and hands and then, reached down and picked me up. "Talk to me, Beam." After putting me on a chair, he set about making me a cup of tea.

"Are you here as a friend or doctor?" I give a depreciating laugh. "Does it matter?" 

"Did you take your medication today?" He asks, drawing out the other chair to sit while he waits for the kettle to boil. 

I nod. "You know it doesn't work that well under duress. Forth is a ticking time bomb. You sent him to me, doc. Why?"

"He needed help. We are doctors, first, Beam. Did you do your job before things got complicated?" He was tapping the table with his fingers. It was very rhythmic and annoying. 

I reached over and stilled his fingers. "Please Doc, not now. I have a wicked headache. Yes, I told him what no other doctor was willing to." I looked at his face. I felt angry, cheated... 

"Why did both you and that asshole Phana insist it had to be me who told him? I really don't understand? Help me!"