Jealousy

Part 27

Tiredly, I thought of all those letters the lawyer sent to me. Phana's were always apologetic. He DID do something wrong, or at least something he feels wrong. I know him. As does Kit. They're filled with pleading and begging me to come home or at least call and let them know I'm okay.

Only one from Bennie, written in a mix of French and Thai, made sense. It was hard as hell to read and I was half tempted to write him but knew it would be a mistake. Bennie would rat me out in a heartbeat. He loved Kit that much.

If what Forth said, then why were they saying sorry for? No, I was not wasting any more energy on this! I needed sleep. I worked tomorrow.

I crawled into bed and finally, after what seemed hours, sleep claimed me. For the first time in months, it was not dreamless. I was chased by my demons.

Dragged from the depths of the hellish night by the beeping of my relentless alarm, I drag myself out of bed and stumble to the shower. I get dressed and walk out of my small abode to my car. It's my morning routine to have breakfast and coffee with the staff at the hospital.

I stop on the porch. Leaning against my car is Forth with a bag and two cups of take away coffee in his hands. "Good morning, Beam." He's not cheerful or smiling either.

I lean against the support beam and sigh. What a terrific way to start the day. "I'm running late, Forth. Do we have to do this now?"

"No, we aren't doing anything. I'm driving you to work." He eyes me critically. "I just thought you'd have a bad night and wouldn't be, umm, able to drive safely." He walks up, hands me the bag and coffee and grabs on to my arm. "Come on."

Half dragging me, he escorts me to a smart silver Audi. Car? When did Forth ever drive a car except for when he drove mine? He opens the passenger door and gently helps me sit down. I snort. He raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. I put my coffee in the cup holder and buckle my seatbelt.

He gets in and takes a sip of his coffee before also doing up his belt and starting the car. "Ready?" I nod and he engages the car and smoothly backs out of my drive.

I don't even need to give him directions. We are silent the whole drive there. He stops at the entrance and reaches over, unbuckles my seatbelt. Still leaning over me, he says, "I'll be back at 6 p.m. to pick you up. The nurse knows I'm here, Beam. Don't even think about ditching me."

My lips twist as I open the door and contemplate slamming it. Instead, I gently shut it, and walk into the hospital, binning the unwanted coffee and breakfast. I have no appetite now.

I skip out on breakfast entirely. I don't want to answer any questions. I go to my office and put on my lab coat. Sitting in my chair, I pull the day's patient files forward and begin to review them.

The nurse walks in without knocking. "Oh, Doctor! You are here! We missed you at breakfast."

I nod and don't answer. Then, without raising my head from the files, "Is there any patients that I need to know more about?" Tapping my finger on the files.

"No, I think you've seen all of today's patients before." The nurse is staring at me. I can feel the unasked questions but she knows not to approach me when I am withdrawn.

"Very well, Doctor. We start in 10 minutes."

I sigh and just know this is going to be a day from hell.

I was right. I had to give five immunization needles to infants. It's the worst, for both mother and baby. Only one out of ten babies are great at handling needles. Mommies, especially new mothers, don't like seeing their babies in pain.

Sighing, I rub the back of my neck. After seeing all the out patients, I have rounds left and the day is done. More stress. My nurse has held back all her questions but the gossip in the hospital is rampant. I've heard the whispers all day.

I had the first man hit on me today. Fuck my life. I finally found a place I was happy and now I'll need to move again. Before starting rounds, I head to the hospital administrator's office and knock on his door.

"Excuse me, may I have a moment of your time?" He nods and I enter.

The administrator looks at me and sighs. "It's about the gossip today, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," I hedge, then meet his eyes. "I am gay, but that doesn't matter does it?"

He shrugs. "You're a good doctor, Beam. I don't want to loose you. What difference does your sexuality make?"

I nod. "I need a letter of reference, please, for my future opportunities."

He sighs and finally nods. "I will write one, on one condition."

My heart sinks. "What?"

"You stay here another three months. It gives me time to find a replacement."

"Why?"

"I like you, Beam. I told you, you're a damn good doctor." He leaned forward. "With your background, there was no reason to leave Bangkok, so I did some research. You tend to run from something, no one knows why. We know why, up here, don't we?"

I sigh. That's what I get for finally making a new friend and getting help. "Fuck you, you're not supposed to be saying that. It was in a counselling session!"

"Beam, its time to stop running, or hiding. That was Forth who dropped you off this morning."

I nod. What else can I do?

"Did you talk to him?" I nod again. "Did you tell him?" I feel like a bobble head doll with the amount of nodding I'm doing.

He sighs and leans back. "Good. How do you feel."

"Shitty. I panicked. I don't want to see him, talk to him. Nothing."

"Why?"

"I dunno." Lies, all lies. I do know. It is because, no matter how shitty I've behaved, everyone always forgives me. Because I'm sick. Because I have depression. Because I am not able to be held accountable for my own actions. I am a bad man.

"Go do your rounds, Beam, and think about how badly you want that letter of recommendation." He waves his hand. "See me on your lunch hour tomorrow."

Almost snarling in disgust, I leave. I'm effectively trapped. I know I can't get a job with a gap of a year in my work history. I rush through my rounds, finishing at 5:45 p.m. If I leave early I can walk the path and I won't be seen from the road.