Secretive - Bucky Barnes

14 || Social Job

[Nova]
Half an hour later, both James and I lay in my bed. I lean back against a cushion, while he rests his head on my upper thigh, breathing relaxed while I run my fingers through his hair over and over again. It is as soft as it looks, and I love the way its ends run in between my first phalanxes. The book I studied in before now rests on my other thigh, and I repeatedly read the first sentence on the page. It just seems like my brain does not want to listen to my own inner voice. There is nothing that sticks from its content.

»You know«, I whisper, not wanting to destroy the atmosphere between us. I still feel embarrassed for being straight forward and get rejected, still a little annoyed about his ignorance, and he does not need to think I would be that flirtatious again, but I will not push him into things he is not fully comfortable with. When he is ready for intimacy, he will come. I just need to believe this. And then, I will be ready. It kind of calmed my anger down, him being all honest about not being ready. It reminded me of how much I valued him, his honesty, him not being scared about talking about his feelings, just blurring them out at times. Not always, but often enough. I appreciate him, his presence, although I am mad. And I realized I would not want him to go anywhere else, and was happy he chose me to make him feel better being as exhausted as he was, and still is. »Sooner or later, you must tell me what is going on with this job.«

Mumbling, he snuggles onto my leg tighter, and my heart skips a beat. In his light sleep, I think he mentions something like »I know«, but I am not quite sure. His eyes are closed, the black eye still visible colourfully against his paler skin. Both his hands, both warm, have a grip on my thigh as if afraid I would remove the pillow his head rested on, decided to leave.

Sighing, I shake my head and put the book on my nightstand. There is no sense in trying to study now that my attention is elsewhere. »Come on, make some space, fatso.« I say, because pushing him feels equally to pushing an elephant; he is irremovable. Who would have thought that he was that heavy? 

»I'm not fat.« he states raspy, moving just enough upwards to let me slip between him and the mattress. I wonder how he finds the curve in my neck again when he places his head in his home, his eyes staying closed. By now, I am half-covered by his body, the warm skin of his arm stroking my belly and pulling me underneath him.

»You're pretty heavy, though.«

»Shut up.«

»Lovely.«

He grunts annoyed, but there is no chance I miss the little grin he tries to cover up.

With a quick grab above his head, I turn of the dim light and rest my arm on his shoulder, again starting to scratch his neck lightly. He hums in respond, and it does not take long for him to fall asleep on top of me.

Contrary to me. Although the sound of his regular breathing is calming, the thoughts in my head do not quiet down. Where has he been? Why is he so secretive about his job? And why would he not want to go a further step in our relationship, obviously holding back his pressure?
Maybe, it was just because he has been so tired. I probably should not give it more time to be thought through, because it is humiliating me. Have I been too forward? Could be that he just has no desire into being dominant. That he thought he would get into it for me, although he struggles to act. And then, when it has been enough, when he could not take it anymore, he would rather stop than tell me about it, tell me our likes in the bedroom did not cope well, just to not let me feel wrong or like he could not give me what I obviously wanted. But then, why would his eyes flash with desire when he calls me 'Good girl'? Even now, my cheeks start to redden.

And what is it that everyone else sees, but I do not? Why is Lucas behaving strange around him, and Sam too? What was it Carly seemed so desperate to make me discover?