Warrior Hearts

Procrastinating The Inevitable

I can't hear the scuffle of the servants' footsteps while they rush back and forth through the hallways in a desperate attempt to finish their daily duties before dusk descends upon us. Nor do I hear the whispered conversations that are humming throughout the walls that surround me. Even the mass of the incoherent barrage of thoughts inside my head is drowned out by the frantic thudding of my heart. 

Planting my feet firmly in front of the study door, I dig my heels into the ground. I fear that if I unclench the muscles in my body, my knees may buckle under me, and I'll collapse onto the cold marble. Before I reach for the door handle, I wipe my sweat slicked palm against the side of my thigh. Squeezing my left hand into an airtight fist, I inhale a lungful of air that seems to get stuck in my constricted throat. 

However, before I can reach for the door and show myself into the study, the door in front of me is yanked open with a jerk. Startled, I take a step back just as Arjun materialises from the interior of the room, his front colliding against mine.

"Fuck," Arjun hisses, his steady hands reaching out to grab my forearms in an attempt to stabilise me. "I'm so sorry, Princess, I didn't see you." 

"That's alright," I murmur, a tight smile stretching my lips into a thin line. Once Arjun has passed a cursory glance across the length of my body to ensure that no harm is done, he offers me a small nod before releasing me. Without another word, my husband brushes past me.

"A-Arjun, I need to have a word with you!" I call out, my words flowing out in a breathless tumble. I turn around at the same time that Arjun swivels on his heels to face me, too, his determined stride not breaking pace.

"Now's not the best time, Princess." Arjun says, a distracted gleam in his eyes; a look that momentarily throws me off because I'm so used to having his full focus on me, regardless of the time of day, or what I have to say. "I have to take care of an urgent matter." This is an urgent matter as well, I wish to voice out loud. "But tonight I'll be all yours." Raising his eyebrows to seek my approval, Arjun continues to increase the distance between us as he marches backwards down the hallway.

"Okay," I say. I am too distracted by my own thoughts to so much as bother asking Arjun the cause of his haste. Offering me a thumbs up, my husband turns back on his heels, his wide frame narrowly missing a collision with an oncoming maid, whose arms are stacked high with linens. 

"Be careful!" I cry out instinctively. However, Arjun doesn't even have seemed to notice the disaster that was about to take place. Instead, he continues on his way, altogether in a completely different world of his. 

That night, Arjun doesn't return to our bedchambers - as he promised - and nor does he come for dinner. Upon asking Rohit about my husband's whereabouts, I learn that he's still in town, conducting meetings with the lords. 

The next day I find Arjun asleep on his desk in the study, his cheek plastered on top of a pile of scrolls. Catching sight of the sleep deprived bags under his eyes that stand out more clearly, courtesy of the sunlight that is streaming directly onto his face, I let Arjun sleep instead of disturbing him, and waking him up. He probably came in late last night, and with the way the scrolls are scattered across his desk, I can tell that Arjun got straight down to work after his return, instead of resting. 

However, by the time I return from lunch, Arjun is nowhere in sight. Once again, I seek Rohit out to track my husband, only to find out once again that he's gone back to town to take care of some official matters. Alas, Rohit doesn't know the specifics of the affairs that are keeping Arjun preoccupied, and so he's unable to shed light on the matter for me either.

Returning to the study that same day, I lower myself into Arjun's chair, instead of heading towards my corner of the room. It's ironic, really, that Arjun has always been available for me except for the one time when I am in dire need of him. Of course I can't blame him because he doesn't know what's going on at my end. However, that doesn't make my need for his company and presence any less. 

It's been a day since Celeste slipped that thought into my mind, and I have yet to consult with the palace physician. But I don't wish to do so on my own. I first want to tell Arjun about Celeste, and my doubts and then have him with me when I seek out the physician. After all, he and I are supposed to be a team through this - regardless of what the physician's verdict will be. 

If the man tells us that I'm not with child, I wish to be relieved alongside Arjun, and if he tells us that I have conceived, then I want to be able to panic alongside my husband. Perhaps this is just another foolhardy attempt on my end to avoid the inevitable - a consultation with the physician. Maybe I'd much rather stay in the dark than hear a verdict which I don't desire. 

After all, if I am with child, then that is the equivalent of being handed a life sentence; it is a commitment of a lifetime, one that I'm not sure I'm ready for. Or that Arjun and I are ready to take on. We've just begun our married lives, and can barely handle ourselves, much less an innocent life who is completely dependent on us.

Unsure of how to handle this unexpected curve ball, I lower my forehead onto the desk in front of me and shut my eyes; my shoulders slouching forwards with the weight of the unknown future that lies in front of us.

*****

Arjun doesn't retire to our chambers that night either, and nor do I cross paths with him the following day because by the time I reach the study, he's already left the palace grounds. Moreover, the same night when he does join me in bed, I'm already asleep. And the morning after, I wake up to crumpled sheets beside me, but no Arjun. 

Rohit continues to slip me slivers of information - whatever little Arjun has shared with him - which is why I'm aware that the lords are rebelling against Arjun for reasons that are unknown to Rohit, and I. As a result of this news, I conclude that Arjun must also be concerned at the prospect of a war breaking out in our lands because of the unrest. 

By the time the end of the week comes around, I'm used to this new schedule that has disturbed our lives; a routine in which Arjun is merely a ghost, who's flitting through the hallways, completely out of sight. He doesn't make an appearance for any of our family meals, and I'm told by his valet that Arjun eats during his time in the town, or while he's journeying to and from the palace. 

The chambers that once belonged to the both of us now feel like my private quarters. Arjun is merely a guest who slips in quietly at ungodly hours in the night, and departs before dawn breaks out across the horizon. No matter how desperately I try to lie awake, waiting for Arjun, I simply fail to do so beyond midnight. 

Sometimes sleep sneaks up on me as I'm sitting with my legs curled under me, a book propped in front of my nose. The day after such nights, I awaken to find my novel placed on the bedside table beside me, the lantern extinguished, and the blanket tucked up till my shoulders on my horizontal frame. These are the mornings in which I'm able to smile because regardless of how preoccupied and tired Arjun is, he doesn't overlook me and my needs. Such gestures of his almost feel like a silent reminder of his love for me. However, I can't help but wish he were beside me to voice the three words out to me as well.

I'd be lying if I said that a small part of me isn't relieved at Arjun's absence, simply because his lack of presence allows me to continuously delay the consultation with the physician. My excuse is that I want my husband to be beside me that day, and I simply refuse to approach that moment without him. And just like that, another week passes by with me avoiding the inevitable and my husband dancing this ghost waltz with me. This constant state of being in limbo continues until at the beginning of the third week, I wake up to a folded note on my bedside table.

'I'm sorry for my  unexpected absences of late,' it reads. 'And I wish I could give you a further explanation about the ongoings, but there's no time. I must depart for the capital this very morning. I'll be gone for at least two weeks. Write to me in case of an emergency, or if you need me in any capacity.

Miss me.

Love,

Only yours, Princess, Arjun.'

"Miss me?" I murmur, scoffing at the two words. What in the world does Arjun think I've been doing for the past two weeks? Throwing my head back, I drop the hastily scrawled note onto my lap. By the time Arjun returns, another month would've passed by. Perhaps waiting this time out is a good thing because when he returns, I could've begun my cycle again. Biting down on my lower lip, I decide that this is the best plan of action for now.