Pen - pen: Disarm my Pain

SHELL

My guide, my cover,
My protection, my only home,
a shelter, where i live,
The shell, a little hell,

Covered in tears and pain,
the clock strikes four, i'm awake, here we go again,
Thoughts, running wild,
blazing and swirling,
My mind was corrupted,
by my own understanding,

Where do this thing comes from?
What's the right way?
Who's gonna stay?
Who will lead?
or mislead?

The pain is inevitable and my sadness is bottomless,
My heart is beating but my soul is running out of happiness,
The smile is wide, the laughter is visible,
But the tears isn't caused by joy,
it is pure melancholy,

I used to hide inside my cage,
The four corners of my room,
Being afraid of sunlight,
this feeling isn't light at all,
This is heavy like the rain pouring outside,
The dark skies are letting me set the mood,
This shell is setting a collaboration out of its hood,

I wanted to be devoured by the land,
and the sea to swallow me,
no wonder why we are burried six-feet under,
no wonder why I gonna keep my head underwater,

I was sailing between two aggressively flowing streams,
but the paddle is short, my boat is too little and it seems,
That I rather die today, or maybe tomorrow before the waves and the current carry me to its seams,
if only I have the courage to move, to swim,
I was slowly drowning in lies, to my list of sins,

Pen and paper,
it was a long time, nice to meet you again,
I wonder if you're doing good in keeping people's thoughts,
it's been a long time since I used you in my poem,

Crumpled and divided in pieces,
it's the paper not my heart,
I hate that it was my lone core,
Right from the start,

It is hard to understand that your walls are weaker than your roof,
This shelter isn't built for storms like this,
I wonder how people build their own bunkers,
Because I wanted to purchase one,

I don't want to end this here,
Because it's too soon,
But I am running out of words and time,
it is nice to be here,
Again.