Pen - pen: Disarm my Pain

ENVY - AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Author's Note: Yes, this is still a poetry book, don't be confused.

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I usually don't share stories about myself because I typically enjoy listening to somebody else's stories. But for now, I will let you read some leaves from my tree.

Everyone has their mishaps and regrets, if bad luck has a good-looking face, I mean bad luck who usually wears a black-hooded jacket and a gray checkered Jansport backpack. I am sure that it looks like me.

When I was in my elementary years, I was a student who likes to go to school and listen to my teachers. I always make eye contact with them, I can't count how many student teachers that was afraid of executing their demonstration teaching because of my presence. I didn't know it was a thing at first, I just like to focus on them very seriously so I can understand the lesson, not until one of my subject teachers at that time said that I was very scary. I didn't know how to smile, I messed every single photograph that I have as a kid.

I don't have friends and I don't like the concept of playing outside when it is time for recess. In those times, I just feed my mind with books when my stomach is empty. My family is too big and we don't have enough money. We don't have the thing they called "Allowance" because I usually bring packed food for lunch at school or ask for the permission of my teacher to let me go home for lunch so I can eat.

My childhood was sad and filled with envy. I can't deny the sad truth that I missed going to various field trips every December or I didn't get as much chance as you to get a new toy for Christmas. I always get nervous when my classmates ask about my adventures during summer breaks, for I am staying at our house, washing our plates. June is also a terrifying month for me. It is the month where most of my classmates have their new shoes, new bag, new notebooks. I am very jealous about it because I only inherited all of my clothes and schools supplies from my older brother. But I didn't try to say a word or be ashamed about it and as a child, a realization will hit you deep straight to your bones when someone will try to give attention to it. I can't blame it on my parents, and I think, it is just normal to dream about something that you didn't have right?

I always feel bad right away whenever I said that going on a tour is just a waste of time, it slaps me when smiling at them and say it with joy and pride. I also always say that paying for carnival rides that make you feel dizzy is just a stupid idea. That's why some of my classmates are tired of inviting me to come over for swimming occasions or "get-togethers" because I always turn them down. I remember that my favorite word sentence growing up is "I don't have money", and it became my excuse when I just wanted to be with myself and avoid contact with other people.  I just found out recently that they were just spending their money by investing in good memories that never fade away or an experience that they can share with their grandchildren before they pass away. Unfortunately, I didn't have as many memories
that they have, but at least I learned the concept of contentment.

I enjoy being contented with the things that I already have as well as the things that I received.

I didn't grow up with so much exposure to technology. I read stories in my textbooks, I just got lucky to be in a special class when I am in high school because it is where I learned how to use a computer. I am grateful that my classmates are too good to let me borrow their phones so I can experience using them. I became an audience behind their back when they were playing games and sometimes they do not let me see their screen. I learned how to accept this kind of thing and endure it nicely. 4 years later, when I was in grade 11, I got my first smartphone as well as my shoes with my own money.

I am already exposed to the working environment at a very young age and I realized that earning money is one of the hardest parts of life.  My biggest "flex" right now is that I didn't depend on my parent's money for my educational needs, I am the one who financially supports my college expenses.

Call me cheap, or mark me as the "killer of joy", I do not have any problem with that, I am just glad that poverty taught me how to save my money, appreciate little things in life, or celebrate my small achievements. Moreover, I also learned how to endure pain, envy, and discrimination.

For me envy isn't a bad feeling, it is normal to get jealous of those who got privileges in life, it is normal to dream and talk about it. They can be your inspiration to strive for the things that you want.

It seems that my mishaps became my finite strength and inspiration to achieve more milestones. I ran out of words even I  have plenty of stories to tell. This is my identity and I carry these memories inside my bag that I use for 6 years already.