Pen - pen: Disarm my Pain

BOND

"Even i shouldn't be here, i will assure that you can call me if you wanted some help"

- eccedente 2020

***

Almost fading lights was wasted without your shine,
and my life was a living hell,
those places iv'e missed to view,
was blury, and this smile wasn't true,

I am just 17 years old,
yes I am,
I thought you're wondering about my age,
for this words wasn't suits to my wage,
Or i should say, I shouldn't write like this,
But oh, this is simply coming to my mind and write about the sanities i have,
For I can't sleep without relaxing myself,
And writing is the only way I can express my feelings,
Even dreams wasn't nice when I am sleeping,
And reverie that flows in me just a simple dreaming,

I was bonded by the opinions of the people,
for they said, "You're mentally ill",
or in real words,
I am insane,
Should I stick myself from believing?,
Or stop from breathing?,

I can't bring harm,
For I was supposed to accept it every single day,
I am too numb in pain,
So why should I bring the thing I was threatened to accept?,
And even the golden rule exists,
You shouldn't be bothered by me,
Because I was a simple nobody,

***

My faith was damaged,
and even going to church can make me burnt,
Surely, taking medicine just makes my head shiver,
My veins can't handle so much blood,
So I make way to reduce it, and tear my wrist,

You can't blame me for making myself pitiful,
or you should,
thus trying to be so clean can make you neat,
Like stereotyping yourself in the middle of those dusty fleet,
simply making you uncomfortable to read,
I just making myself drown in shame,
For I should write about my sanity,
and expose the feeling that I am experiencing this way,

But why should I expose myself?,
are you informed by emotional breakdowns?,
not every single human being takes emotional means as serious topics,
For they will only eradicate you because you're menatally ill,

I am drowning in my own fears,
and trying to figure out the plans to get out in this body,
but the people around me makes me feel different,
and even trying to take some comfort from someone,
wasn't that nice to do,
For I have my own,
And survive using my own way,

***

Can you be my friend?,
Why should I ask.