Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

5 - I want to make you my wife

Shortly after Negan leaves, a woman enters my room. She doesn't say much, but she hands me a pillow, a blanket and an outfit to sleep in. I also receive a towel, a bottle of shampoo, a toothbrush and toothpaste and some soap that seems handmade. And, for which I am especially grateful, a bottle of clean water.

After she leaves, I try the door. It's locked, like Negan said it would be. Not that I would have tried to flee if it hadn't been. Even if I dared to risk it for myself, I wouldn't leave Kieran behind. I walk into the tiny bathroom and take a look at myself in the mirror for the first time that night. I look ghastly. My cheekbone has turned a nasty combination of red and purple. When I run my fingers over the bruise and put some pressure on it, the pain makes me flinch. I curse that asshole, Ramon. I hope I never have to see him again.

There's a small cut on my cheek as well, where he put his knife to me. Furthermore, my face is scratched somewhat from falling in the woods, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My right hand got the worst of that. It's covered in nasty scratches and scrapes. I turn on the faucet to wash the worst of the dirt from my wounds. Then I take off my clothes and examine the wounds on my body. I suppose it could have been much worse. My knees and right arm are kind of scraped and bloody, but other than that everything seems fine.

When I step into the shower, the warm water is a big relief. But that relief is soon over when I think about Kieran. I doubt he's gotten the same treatment I have. I'm the one who talked, so this is my reward. The tears come sudden and unstoppable, thinking about Kieran's bloody face and limp body. The events of the night start to replay in my mind. He could have died. I could have died. A lot of bad shit happened in the last couple of years, but I'd hardly ever been as scared as I was with Ramon's knife against my throat, not knowing whether Kieran was even still breathing. I hate not knowing where he is now. Negan said he'd take care of him, but for all I know, he could just be discarded somewhere, bleeding to death.

From the start, they were rougher on him. Pushing me to talk, using Kieran as a punching bag. Maybe they knew I'd be the one to break. Maybe they have other intentions with me. The end of society as we'd always known it made clear that there are men out there who only kept their hands of women because of the restraints of law and order. Some are animals. Others driven crazy by this brutal, lonely world. I've gotten close a couple of times. Fortunately, I have always been able to defend myself, or received help at the right moment. I didn't like the way Negan and his men looked at me tonight, but at least they haven't touched me. Not like that anyway. They could have forced me at any point tonight, I was completely unable to defend myself. Still, just because nothing happened yet, I'm not assured it won't happen later. Looks and crude remarks, I can handle, but anything else...

Whatever the reason, I'm glad they spared me somewhat. At least physically. Mentally, I feel bruised. I broke so quickly, telling him whatever he wanted to know about our people. I can't let my mind go to whatever he might do to them. If he hurts them, it will all be my fault. I wonder what Kieran would have done if Negan had threatened to kill me and interrogated him instead. I think he would have kept silent. I would have died, knowing Kieran didn't care enough about me to save me life. No, he would have cared too much about our group to do it. Perhaps it's better that I don't know what would have happened.

I turn my face up to the shower, letting my tears blend with the hot streams of water. I might as well let myself cry out. At least I'm alone now, so nobody has to witness my weakness. When the tears finally stop, I make sure to wash myself quickly. The door may be locked, but I don't know who's got a key and I don't want to be naked in the shower if any of the creeps I met tonight suddenly show up in the room. I'm thankful for the shampoo and soap. My long hair is tangled and it's hardly even blonde anymore, covered in all that grease and grime. Not even just from tonight. I spent a couple of days unable to wash myself properly, on the hunt for Kieran.