Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

65 - It's not up to you

Eventually, they pulled me away from him. Michonne took me somewhere and ran me a bath. They gave me new clothes because I was soaked in blood. His blood.

They explained to me what happened, but none of it makes sense to me. They stepped out for a moment and then they heard his shouts. Sylvia had managed to hide a knife somewhere and had apparently been able to cut the robe they tied her hands with. Then she'd attacked him. Was it because he outed her lie to Rick? Or because he said he wasn't loyal to Negan? Or was it because of me? Because I knocked her out in the woods?

There's no way of knowing because when they heard Derek shout, they rushed in and took her out. They tried to help him, but the damage was too great. There was nothing they could do. That's when Rosita went to fetch me.

When they finally brought me back to the others, I couldn't tell them. I went straight back to my corner and sat down, staring into space. Rosita told Max and Priya what happened. Nobody told the kids, we don't need them to be more upset than they already are. But of course Carmen and Miguel could see that I was distraught, so they crawled against me in an attempt to comfort me. Priya joined us too and handed me the baby. I hugged her against me and made shushing noises to keep her calm. More for my own sake than hers. The children are the only thing keeping me from completely breaking down.

The Alexandrians treat us nice enough. They brought in toys to keep the kids busy and gave us all dinner. In the evening they bring us pillows and blankets. Very generous, considering we burned all of their mattresses. As night falls, the kids slowly start to calm down and eventually, everybody is sleeping. Everybody except for me and the guard in the corner.

Carmen sleeps in my lap and I stroke her hair absentmindedly while I stare into the dark room. With nothing to distract me, Derek's eyes are the only thing I see before me. Everything that happened keeps going in a loop inside my head. He didn't deserve to die. He didn't need to die. It breaks my heart that he died so pointlessly. Just like his little brother.

My mind is on Negan too. I curse him again and again. What could have happened if he hadn't made me take his stupid deal? I remember the first time Derek and I kissed. I think playing darts with him at that party was the first time I enjoyed myself since the night we tried to raid the outpost. Maybe even since the night we left the camp. If it hadn't been for Negan, maybe we could have started there. We could have had so much time together.

Suddenly, Miguel stirs beside me. Is he having a bad dream? I lay my hand on his shoulder to calm him down, but he opens his eyes and looks at me.

'Were you having a nightmare?' I whisper.

He nods and rubs his eyes.

'Do you want to tell me about it?'

'No', he says, pushing himself into a sitting position. 'Why aren't you sleeping?'

'I can't sleep.'

He turns to look at me and watches me intently. His dark eyes are so much like Alex's. And Maria's.

'It's Derek, isn't it?' he asks me softly. 'Is he dead?'

I run my hand over his head and feel my lip quiver. I bite it to hold back the tears and nod. I can see my own pain reflected in Miguel's eyes. The kids are crazy about Derek. Were crazy about Derek... Miguel lifts my arm and nestles beneath my shoulder to get closer.

'It's okay if you have to cry', he says.

A laugh escapes me at the same moment the tears burst through. What a world we live in, where a 10-year-old knows what to say when you're grieving.

'I feel like all I do is cry these days', I say, kissing him on the top of his head.

'Do you remember what you said to us when mamá died?' he asks me.