Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

68 - I have an idea

Paul, or Jesus, does have some water on him, thank God. He gives me a full bottle and I drench it eagerly. He's also carrying some energy bars of which he offers me a couple. So I'm feeling a lot better when we start to make our way to the Hilltop.

On the way there, we talk. Well, more like, I talk and he listens. To understand why Simon's plan could actually work, he needs to understand that Negan cares about me. Probably. Maybe. And to understand why Negan cares about me, he needs to know that we used to have some sort of relationship. And because I don't want him to think I'm loyal to Negan and kill me, he needs to know how that relationship came to be. So I decide to just tell him everything. I even tell him that it was my own choice to go back to Negan later on. I don't know if he judges me for it. If he does, he doesn't show it.

'So that's why he wanted to kill me', I wrap up my story. 'He thought it would push Negan over the edge to take action. If it were up to Simon you'd all be dead.'

Jesus raises his eyebrows and shakes his head.

'Do you think his plan will work? Do you think Negan will try to take us all out?'

'I don't know', I sigh. 'Negan believes that people are resources. He doesn't kill unless he thinks it's necessary. But then again, him and I have very different opinions on when it's necessary to kill someone.'

Jesus nods. Then he asks me: 'How did you manage to escape? From Simon. You were unarmed, right? And your hands were tied?'

'Yes', I say quietly. I've been trying not to think too much about what almost happened. Being focussed on survival since I ran, that's been going pretty well. Until now. 'I pissed him off. And I guess that saved me. He was going to just shoot me and be done with it. But I attacked him. I managed to grab the gun and almost shoot him, but he got it away from me. That's when he decided a quick death was too kind.'

Jesus has his eyebrows pulled together as he looks at me. He has kind blue eyes. I look away. They remind me too much of Derek.

'He uhm, pulled me out of the car and pinned me to the ground. He tried to...' I hesitate. I don't want to relive those moments. Thinking back to his psychotic grin as he was trying to cut me open makes me want to curl up and cry. I can't do that now.

'He was going to torture me', I finish quickly, avoiding eye contact with Jesus. 'But then walkers came through the woods, attracted by the noise. So he got distracted, trying to take them out and I...' I hesitate again. I'm really not happy to revisit it. Though the only good thing about it all was the shout of pain he let out when I surprised him. '...punched him in the... intimate parts, you know. Which, judging by the sounds he made, was very painful, and I managed to kick him off of me. Then I ran.'

I realize Jesus has stopped walking and I turn around to look back at him. He looks at me with worry in his eyes and opens his mouth only to close it again. He doesn't seem to know what to say.

'I am.... very sorry you had to go through that', is what he settles on.

'Yeah', I shrug. 'Thanks.'

He moves closer and reaches out his hand to me, but seems to think better of it at the last moment and pulls it back again.

'Are you all right?'

'All right?' I chuckle slightly. I don't think I've been less all right since we got caught at the outpost. 'No, not exactly. But you know, still breathing.'

He smiles at me shortly, trying for something like reassurance, I guess. He's a nice guy. And I'm glad for it. It strengthens my belief that warning Rick is the right thing to do. I can't let Negan kill them all.