Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

7 - What the hell have I done?

I took a shower, brushed my teeth, put on my pyjamas and crawled into bed hours ago, but I can't sleep. My thought are racing. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't be his wife. I scoff. Wife. As if that's even the word for it. It's obvious that those poor women are basically sex slaves. 'You always have a choice', he told me. I guess that's how he convinces himself that what he's doing is totally fine. Some choice he gave me. I'm sure the women I saw today have been given similar impossible choices. When it's between the lives of your loved ones or your own dignity, how can you ever make a fair decision?

So that's the problem. I don't really have a choice. Everything he described to me is entirely true. I had no idea how we were going to get through winter and how we would manage when it's time for Priya to give birth. We might find a way. We might not. Now, our friends are two people short as well. Negan's made it clear that he won't let us go back to them. Not for a year anyway. They could be safe here. The doctor seemed capable and from what I've seen these people are in no short supply of food. Honestly, if I was sure he'd keep his promise I'd tell him yes. No matter how horrible I find the thought of being with him, it will be worth it if my friends are safe.

But I can't trust him, can I? What if I agree to be his wife, and I sleep with him, but he just kills us both after? Or what if this is some trick to get me to trust him and I lead him to our friends and he takes our stuff and kills everyone? Those are the thoughts that go in circles around my head until finally I fall into a shallow sleep. And of course, that's when it happens again. I'm surprised it hasn't happened last night, I guess I might have been too tired. The anxiety, fear and stress of the past two days trigger my night terrors.

Grass tickles at my bare feet and my hand covers my eyes against the reflection of the sun bouncing off the surface of the lake before me. The smell of pine trees fills my nostrils and the chittering of birds reaches my ears. I'm back at Rock Creep Camp. I loved how beautiful this place was. It was one of the reasons I was so sad to leave. I wish I could stay here forever. But I know what comes next.

'You really believe the lies of a little girl?' A whisper in my ear. He's so close I can feel his breath on my neck. I whirl around. There's no one there. In front of me is a cosy cabin made out of logs. The sight of it fills me with dread. My feet take me to the door, even if I don't want to go there. My hand reaches for the knob on its own accord. The inside isn't right. This is Zachary's cabin, yet it looks exactly like ours did. The walls covered in my drawings, a cup of tea steaming on the coffee table, the kids' toys strewn across the floor. The sight makes my heart ache. We were happy here. For a while.

'She's just looking for attention.' My eyes turn to the left. There he stands, leaning against the kitchen counter, a smug smile on his face. Zachary. Zach. His appearance is etched into my brain. A handsome man in his early thirties. He's tall and lean and has mid-length wavy dark hair. But however handsome and charming he might have been, I always kept my distance. Something about his dark eyes seemed dead to me.

'I don't think she's lying', I tell him.

He shakes his head, smiling.

'I thought higher of you, Lara. I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to believe the lies of that attention-seeking little slut.'

Anger flares through my body. I can hardly speak.

'How dare you talk about her like that?' I manage through gritted teeth.

'Look, I'm going to give you one last chance to drop this. I did nothing wrong. The little skank basically threw herself at me. She's just angry I can't give her what she wants. Now get the fuck out and leave me alone if you and your friends want to keep living here.'