An inconvenient attachment

Chapter 69

Lando stayed for another day and then he had to go back to England. We're going to Baku this weekend. Lando is going on Wednesday. I would join him then, but I have a test Thursday afternoon. And since I'm going to England next week I can't miss any more classes. Lando wanted to book me a ticket, but I can pay. Barely, but I will pay for my own ticket.

When I get home from school I immediately kick off my shoes and lay down on the couch, my cigarettes laying next to me. I know Kate hates it when I smoke inside, but I'll just spray some perfume. I put on my favorite series and light up my second cigarette, or was it third? I don't really know. I should quit though, it's pretty expensive. Yeah, I'll do that. After this pack. And after the pack I have in my purse.

Suddenly there's a knock on my door. Ugh, I don't feel like answering. They'll leave eventually. The person keeps knocking, annoying.

"I'm busy, studying!" I yell back. Well that's a lame excuse, who can't open the door when they're studying? "Uh I mean showering, naked" I add. "Is that supposed to keep me away?" I recognize that voice. I walk over to the door and open it.

"Pierre? Why are you here? At my house?" I ask confused.

"And you are dressed. I wonder who is more disappointed" he jokes as he pushes me aside so he can enter. "Pierre, what are you doing?" Fuck, Lando is not going to like this. Well, it's not like I invited him.

"Oh sorry, I mean, can I come in?" he asks when he is already standing in the living room. "No!"

"Thanks" he laughs.

"Sorry, I mean it's nice of you to come by, but why are you here?" I ask while letting myself fall on the couch, "I'm really busy as you can see" I say, pointing towards the television. "Yes. I see" Pierre raises his eyebrows when he looks at the cigarettes. "Mia, are you ok?"

"Couldn't be better" I lie. I do that lately, I lie a lot. I don't want people worrying about me. I don't want them to know how I feel inside. So I lie. And it works.

"You know someday in the near future you're not able to keep this up, you know that right?" Pierre asks. "What?" I act confused. "Don't bullshit me. You know what I mean. Just because Lando doesn't notice, or doesn't want to, doesn't mean I don't see how fucked up you are lately. Ever since..."

"Do not finish that sentence" I say as soon as I realize he is going to bring up Noah. "I'm fine" I add while I light up another cigarette. "You're not fine. And that's ok. You can't keep ignoring it like you are doing right now."

"Is that all you came for? To tell me how fucked up I am? Because feel free to leave." I feel tears burning in my eyes, no. You are not crying now. Not today. Not in front of Pierre. Pierre sighs. "No, I don't actually have an excuse to visit you to be honest" he says as he sits down next to me, "I guess I just wanted to know how you're doing."

"I have a phone. You could have texted me" I say. "Shut up" Pierre laughs.

"You know you can tell me anything right? I won't tell Lando" he says. I look at him with a bit of disbelief. I expect him to report right back to Lando as soon as he leaves here. "You and Lando are friends. I wouldn't expect you to keep secrets from him. I learned that the hard way" I joke. "But so are we. Friends. And Lando is not really talking to me lately" Pierre says. "What even happened between you two?" I ask.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"You two don't tell each other much, do you?" Pierre says with a mocking tone. "Calm down. Me and Lando are fine" I scoff.

"Ok, since we are friends. And since you promised not to tell Lando," I sigh. "I'm fine. Most of the time. Just somedays, I feel like I'm choking. Like I'm back being that scared girl who got the blame for everything, who lost her best friend and who got hit by her boyfriend. And I don't know how to get out of it. It passes with time, but it's getting harder to pretend everything is fine. Cigarettes help, or liquor" I say. Wow, I can't believe I just said all of that. To Pierre. "Sorry I just blurted that all out" I say ashamed. "Hey, don't worry. I'm glad you finally admit it to yourself. It's ok not to be ok. You just have to keep working on getting better."

"Does Lando know this?" Pierre asks. I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. He knows I struggle with these things I guess. I just don't want him or anyone to worry about me."

"Is this the time you are going to tell me I should tell him, it's going to make me feel better to share it and bla bla bla?" I say when Pierre doesn't respond right away.

"No, fuck him. You do you" Pierre laughs. He's joking. At least I think he is joking. "So, you're not going to tell Lando any of this?" I ask, just to be sure. I'll tell him when I'm ready, maybe. He shakes his head. "Thanks Pierre."

About an hour later Pierre leaves. I'm still not sure why he came to visit. It's not like we hung out much and he and Lando aren't on speaking terms right now. I still don't know why though. But I bet it's not good, since Lando is the forgiving type. I should ask him about that next time I see him. I grab a blanket and throw it over my legs. Then it's finally time to start doing what I wanted to before Pierre came to interrupt. The remote control in one hand and a gin & tonic in my other hand.