alive [h.s.]

Chapter 63

Allison's POV

The congregation of Harry's funeral has gathered in a small dining hall. They all socialize and hold small talk while I stand in the corner by myself. How can any of them eat food right now? How can they act so casual at a funeral? I just watched someone lower my soulmate's body into the ground. The only thing I feel like doing right now is jumping in there with him. My wet hair sticks to my neck and the side of my face from the rain outside and I've given up on trying to keep it out of my face.

Niall slides next to me, our backs pressed against the wall as we stare out at all the people. "This is weird." He says quietly and I nod in agreement. "How are you feeling?"

I ponder the question, sighing heavily. "Shitty."

"I don't blame you."

"I still have so many questions. I'm so confused and normally I'd go to Harry for this kind of stuff. You know what I mean?"

Niall nods solemnly. "Are you going to eat something?" He asks awkwardly, already knowing I'll say no. He's been asking me the same question for two weeks. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not going to eat.

"No, I'm not. I'm not hungry." I reply and Niall sighs. He grabs my hand and I look at him confused.

"Allison, I love you, but you can't lie to me. You're hungry, you just don't know you are because you're thinking about everything else. Please, eat something."

I consider it for a moment, but slowly shake my head. "Not here. I can't." I shake my head again, looking down at my feet. I don't think I have the ability to cry anymore, I've expunged all of my tears.

Niall nods, leaving the situation alone. I know I've lost weight since Harry died. It's nothing noticeable, yet. But, if I keep this up, I'll be transparent. I'll eat soon. Maybe.

Niall and I hold hands for a bit longer, watching people minding their own business. I'll admit, Niall is very comforting. I don't know, he gives me hope. Maybe I will eat. I'm about to release Niall's hand and grab something to eat when someone taps my shoulder.

I turn around and see Addy behind me. At first, I assume she wants me to stop holding hands with her boyfriend, but she doesn't say anything. "Allison, they found something." She says quietly.

My entire being shuts down. I don't even need any context. I know exactly what she's talking about. The room seems to fall dark and Addy is now my only focus. "What is it?"

She takes a deep breath in and Niall looks at her with concern. "Someone at the church went to clean Harry's dressing room, and they found this." She says, pulling something out of her jacket.

My eyes widen and I freeze. Harry's journal.

"It was opened on a table and one of the cleaning ladies picked it up. I was just standing outside and they brought it here." She sniffles and hands it to me.

I reach out for it slowly, eventually grabbing it and pulling it towards me. "Did you read it?" I ask seriously. In my hands, I'm holding a piece of Harry. His thoughts. His sorrows. His feelings. Everything.

"God, no. It's meant for you." She says and I feel a bit relieved.

I painfully flip through the pages, stopping my thumb on the last entry when I see my name at the top. Well, my name is actually in all of the entries, but this is different. It's the last one, and Harry's handwriting is different. It looks rushed and messy, contrast to the neat and legible entries before it. And it's long. So fucking long. The date is the same as our wedding.

My eyes begin to water as I picture Harry, quickly writing last minute thoughts before he would meet me at the altar. I wipe my eyes, nodding to Addy and Niall. "I'm going to step outside for a moment." I say and try to walk away, but Niall squeezes my hand.