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chapter fifteen

"Are you feeling better?"

We haven't said anything in the past half hour or so. We've just been sitting there, I guess – side by side in total silence. But that was good.

I slowly start to nod, eyes still focused on the floor in front of me. I do. I guess I do feel a bit bitter. I think I'm past the shock.

The shock is the worst part. You try to understand what is going on, but can't quite grasp it yet. But when the shock is over... When I was little, I fell off my bike once. I was going fast and just fell – just right in a turn I hit the ground. My whole family came up to me, worried. My mom wanted to give me a tissue – to help with the tears. There weren't any. I didn't cry. I still was in shock. Only when the shock was over I bursted out in tears. That wasn't a great feeling either, but at least the shock was over. But I didn't stop crying... for so long.

But right now, I don't cry. I did – before. A little bit. But now that the shock is over, the few tears have dried, I do not cry any longer. One might think that's better.

I don't think so.

I think it's good to cry in situation like these. It helps.

I don't know, why I'm not still in tears right now, worrying about my best friend. I mean, I still don't know if she's any better than before.

I realize, I've been nodding for quite a while now. But it is true. I mean, I'm still a bit confused and of course I worry about Kara, but I really do feel better. My body isn't stiff anymore. It doesn't shake anymore. I feel safe.

It must be the hospital. They are giving me this safe feeling.

I sigh, deeply.

Then I feel the hand on my back drifting away, leaving me with a cold spot. I didn't even realize Clay still had his hand there.

I look over to him. He's getting up and searching the room with his eyes. I watch him.

I don't know how he does it. He stayed calm the whole drive and the whole time in the hospital. If I would have been alone, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

"There's a vending machine over there. Wanna get some snacks?" Clay turns and looks at me – still sitting on the same plastic chair as before. I must look small next to his tall body towering over me.

"Y-Yeah." I have to clear my throat. I haven't spoken in the past thirty minutes. My voice is raspy. I sound ugly.

Still, I get up and walk next to Clay. I quickly locate the vending machine he meant. Oh god – a water would be good right now. Sooo good.

"Are you sure you're feeling better?", I hear Clay next to me as we're almost at the machine. His voice is filled with worry. I feel his eyes searching the profile of my face.

I immediately turn my head the other direction. I hate it when people do that. I mean, I do it too... But I hate it when others search my face. For emotions and shit.

"I am", I say, but knowing it doesn't sound that persuading. But it's true. "Really", I add, this time turning my head to face Clay. I try a smile – might be crooked, but he got the spirit.

We arrive at the vending machine. I spot the water bottles immediately. How can I crave water that much?

"Water?", Clay asks me as if he read my mind, already inserting money in the machine.

My mouth forms into a slight smile. "Yeah."

Clay presses the buttons and the water falls down, but he still focuses the inventory. "What snack do you want? Peanuts?" He turns towards me and gives me a knowingly look.