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chapter thirty-eight

I always hated the expression 'words can't describe'.

Mostly because I just believe that they can. Mankind has found a word for everything and if there isn't one, you can still describe it with other words.

I can explain how I feel. I feel happy. I feel happy to be going home for the weekend. I feel happy that I can see my friends after one month away at college. I feel happy that I can see Clay again.

I am happy.

But that isn't just that. I also feel excited, nervous, warm, confused, amused, ready, horny, anticipant, twitchy.

There are so many words that could possibly describe how I feel.

Then why does it feel like there is something else... that I just... can't describe?

That's not me – I mean, I don't always say what I really think, but at least I know what I think. And I don't know why there seems to be an exception.

There is just this feeling that is like every other feeling I have combined, but stronger... and well, a bit different.

There is something different.

I sigh, trying to get this thought, which has been bugging me the whole five-hour train ride, out of my head.

It's surely going to go away over the weekend.

A weekend, which I would never forget.

"Hey!"

I've been with my family approximately one hour, before I decided that that is enough time, and I should concentrate on something different. Something different being the party. The party where I will see Kara again. And Clay.

It's only been a month this time without seeing them, but it kind of felt longer, harder...

I mean, I haven't seen Kara for one and a half months, but that doesn't really generate that feeling.

I've been coming to the conclusion that everything connects to Clay – that we had sex.

Since we slept together the first time and the second... and so on, I had this feeling of wanting more. And I could curse at myself for being this horny bundle of horniness, but I can't really change that.

I haven't slept with anyone else away at college.

I mean at first, I thought that I could. I mean, I still had this vision in front of me that now at college it should be my time to explore myself, get to know myself sexually – but the thing is, I didn't want that as I went back on campus.

Even at the maybe two parties I've been, which were at the same weekend, I didn't have this feeling to actually do the exploring.

Last year I would have said it's because of my inexperience or my shyness... But now there isn't that much inexperience left anymore and I also didn't really feel shy.

I just didn't want to sleep with anyone.

I mean, I've still been horny. Like a lot. The first week back has been okay, but after that there has been an exponential increase having it's turn-up-point.

So yeah..., I'm kind of excited to see Clay again.

"Hey!" I get back an exuberant hug, tugging me in tightly. I think I have never been greeted so happily.

Must probably be the fact that Kara is already tipsy, and I am not.

She finally lets go of me, but now looks at me with these kind of puppy eyes. "How have you been? It's so great to see you!" Kara's voice is loud, even though it has already been loud enough before in order to hear her over the music.