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chapter forty

I dropped off Kara but didn't go home myself.

I started driving to him immediately.

I didn't even think about it – I just knew that I needed to see Clay in person.

I also didn't warn him – no text, no nothing. But he didn't seem to have wanted to prepare me for this either, so why would I ever grant him a warning?

I don't even hear the engine roaring as I speed down the street, mind foggy and filled with every little scenario I think I ever shared with Clay... and then this. The information that he fucked Kara yesterday... that he chose her of all the people to fuck.

The first thing I really control about the car willingly are the breaks as I stop in front of Clay's house.

I think this is really the only thing I picked up from Kara for the rest of our walk – that Clay's at his own house. I don't know what we talked about besides him – even if it's all just blurry now.

She just kept going on and on about the one topic, which I really didn't want to hear about. That she was fucked by Clay.

How he started to dance with her apparently minutes after I left the party. How he kissed her. How he decided to fuck her. How he fucked her.

It has been a thirty-minute ride to Clay's house... and I don't know if it felt short or long.

There is one explanation for each: short, because I have no idea how exactly I got here. I could have caused an accident and I wouldn't even have noticed. And long... because these thoughts that have just been bombarding my mind the whole ride felt like never ending pain.

I unbuckle my seatbelt, suddenly aware that I will have to face Clay.

I made no plan of what to say – I just knew I needed to.

My heartbeat rushes and I shake my body before I kick open the car door and then slam it behind me. The car is just somehow parked in the driveway. The driveway where we just merely one month ago carried in the boxes... and I spent this one weekend at Clay's house.

It just feels so far away now. Everything.

It's the shock scenario again – no tears rolling if you're still in shock. I just wonder when it will end. There have been no tears yet. And I seriously don't know if I want them or not... but I just really want this feeling in my body to disappear.

I rush to the door of this damn house, where I thought I would only have good memories.

I know that I still don't think clearly – I don't know if I even want to yet – and for a second, I ask myself if it might be better to wait before I confront Clay. But I need to know. I need answers.

I just don't know... how he fucking could...

I don't know how I look. I haven't cried, so my face might not be swollen, but I know it must have some expression giving away my emotions... just that I'm not really that sure about them myself.

There are... so many – so many emotions in my body going on, all fighting and getting entangled with each other... that I just don't know...

My finger presses the doorbell... once, twice... I don't count.

I don't know how long I stand there, but it's not too long.

But long enough to be sure that I would like to hit my fist into Clay's face as I see it – and I have to force myself not to.

Fury. I feel fury. That's one of those emotions – that I know for sure now.

I stare at Clay and he at me.