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chapter forty-three

He doesn't love me.

I don't love him.

It can't be.

Love doesn't make you want to hurt the one you love, no matter what – and he did.

So, he doesn't love me..., right?

I don't cry anymore. I don't know for how long I cried, for how long I've been sitting here at the door without moving – but at least I don't cry anymore.

It could have been ten minutes or one hour. Maybe more. I don't know.

The only thing I know, is that I haven't moved one bit since I closed that door and sank down on the floor.

Maybe my hands have dropped to the floor after some time. I don't know.

But no... there is a second thing I know.

It's that Clay doesn't love me. And I don't love him.

'But what if I do?'

My body freezes as I ask myself that question. The question Clay had told me the answer to – the answer that he believes.

I am feeling so much and so little right now. I should keep feeling angry... but so much more, I am feeling confused. Because of what Clay said he believes. Of how he says that he loves me and that he believes that I love him.

And now this voice.

It's a voice inside my head, that I've never heard... But suddenly it's so present. So loud.

There has always been a voice. Everyone has one. But this one is different. It's like this voice had to break out of somewhere inside me to finally speak – no, scream.

'What if I love him?'

No!

No, no, nonononono.

No, I don't do that. I don't listen to that voice. This voice seems like danger. It wants to drag me into a land of unknown. And this is... that is not what I do.

I play safe. I don't...

I won't listen to it.

Because why would I? This question... it's irrelevant. It's not of any importance. Because this is all not real.

This question just wants to stir up some emotions... and I can't do that. Not ever – and especially not now.

Not after I trained so hard so that feelings won't interfere with my mind.

Because that's the only way I can do it.

And I won't let this wall I've been building up crash now.

Nothing is worth that.

My body is still tense. My hands press on the floor, fingers trying to dig into it even if they know that they can't.

I have to think rational.

There it is again. The normal voice. The safe one, the one I know.

The one telling me that Clay does not... love me.

This... I am not denying anything or something like that... it's... I don't... I'm not trying to... It's just not the truth.

I know the truth.

The truth is that Clay is lying to me to make him the good guy.

To make it okay that he slept with my best friend.

He wants to feed me this lie so that he can have a reason. A reason to trap me.

Because this is what he's trying to do. He is trying to trap me... for whatever fucking reason. He wants me all for himself.