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chapter sixteen

I spent the last days mostly at Kara's house.

At least the time I was allowed to. Kara has already been feeling a lot better after approximately two days, but still hasn't left her room that much. Not because she wouldn't have wanted to, but actually because she was put under house arrest by her parents.

She might be nineteen, but she still listens to her parents like a ten-year-old. Or that's what I think at least. She probably doesn't want to disappoint her parents any more than she feels that she already has.

Still, I think she shouldn't be so hard on herself... or listen to her parents that much. Only my opinion.

I am also only allowed to visit for a few hours. It's enough, but still not fair at all. We mostly just sat in her room – at first, we talked about what happened on New Year's Eve to her, but after that we just switched back to our normal conversations as always. I was trying to keep her company so that at least she wouldn't feel even worse after her alcohol... incident.

On the first day of January it's only been me with Kara, but after that Clay joined us for the two or three hours Kara's parents granted us.

Also today. It's the third of January in the early afternoon, but we're already assembled again in Kara's room.

We're sitting on Kara's bed, all three together and I just watch both my friends right now. Normally, I'm the one who always talks, but for just a second, I let myself lean back and watch them talking and smiling.

I don't even listen what they are talking about – I just watch their mouths move.

I've been doing that a lot the last days. Not only when I've been with Kara and Clay, but also when I've been home – alone in my room. I just laid down and stared at something – not even realizing where – and was thinking. For myself.

Thinking what happened these past days. Not only what happened to Kara, which really kept me busy, but also what happened to... me. I kept telling myself it was selfish thinking about what happened between me and Clay again, but in the end, I had to admit to myself that it wasn't selfish. It was my fear. The fear about even thinking about it. Because if I did – if I would think about it – I'd overthink.

And I know myself. Overthinking is my doom. I've already destroyed so many (possibly) good things for myself by overthinking them, so I ended up not even trying it in the first place.

And I didn't want that... for this. It was hard to admit it to myself, but I really didn't want to end that between me and Clay. I liked it.

So, by telling myself I was selfish thinking about myself instead of Kara, I just wanted to stop myself overthinking, so I'd let myself have this. For once.

Still, I had some time to recapitulate the past two weeks. And there was something I realized: I would have never been so honest with what I wanted... with Clay..., if I hadn't been totally freaked out in the hospital. Because if I had been calm, I would have been shy, not saying what was really going through my head. But I was totally overwhelmed and stressed as we talked... so I was honest. I said, what I really thought... what I really wanted.

Of course, now that I think about it, it stresses me out that I have told him the truth, but at the same time... I'm glad that I said what I said.

And I'm even more glad about the way he reacted.

It isn't over. Au contraire: It's just starting.

"What's so funny?"

A voice catapults me back into reality – definitely directed at me.

"W-What?", I stutter, now turning towards Kara.