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chapter twenty-four

After that day with Clay, I had again one full day of online lectures.

I already didn't do all of them – I actually skipped quite a lot of things. But still, it felt like I've been occupied the whole day.

But one thing that I really noticed over that day, being stuck in that room once more, has been something different.

I guess, it already crossed my mind a few times – especially yesterday – but now I can't seem to get it out of my head at all.

It's about him again – Clay.

This... is not me – normally. I'm really not the kind of person, who keeps obsessing over some person, over something one person did.

I mean, I do when I'm angry about something, but if I'm not angry about someone... I do not obsess. It's not in my nature. I don't...

But now I do.

And I have no idea why.

My eyes look up again, and I stare at it again – the minigolf ball.

I placed it there on my desk yesterday, just after Clay dropped me off at home and I went to my room, already feeling tired – but the relaxed kind of tired. And I couldn't stop staring at it ever since.

I just kept telling myself that I'm horny – simple as that. I mean, I haven't fucked anyone through puberty and a long time after. And all these emotions and hormones that normally drive you to have these experiences throughout your adolescence... I didn't live them.

I didn't have that much sexual encounters – the ones I did were maybe once or twice a blowjob and we never even got to me.

And now... what I have with Clay... it's normal that I think I need it so much, right? After all this time, I finally have this... pleasure.

It's okay that I'm so hooked on it, right?

To be honest, I did my research. I tried to avoid these weird magazines where "experts" tell little girls what they feel or should feel like with their first boyfriend and this feeling they might have between their legs. I mean, I did read them at that time as well – but I don't need that now. I want facts. Medical facts about why I feel this way I do – real facts. I read a lot about sex drive and why it could be heightened – why our bodies do that in certain situations. But nothing really seemed to fit for me. I guess, maybe the lower stress level or something might have caused me a higher libido... but I don't know... it doesn't seem like something like that would have such an impact.

But actually, the longer I told myself I was okay and everything about this is normal, the more unsure I became about it. So unsure that this time, I really needed to talk. And not to George.

I needed my best friend.

I sigh, glancing away from the book, that I have to read for college and give my phone next to me on the bed a look again.

She's going to call soon.

It's kind of weird. There have been longer times in which Kara and I haven't seen each other. But now, after just a few days... I really need to hear her voice, telling me everything is fine.

I have texted her before, asking if we could talk and she replied that she would call this evening.

But evening is such a huge timespan.

I force my look away from the screen, which told me there are no new messages or calls that I missed – only so it could land on that minigolf ball again.