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chapter forty-five

I know that I'm a coward for running away.

I know, okay?

I know that I'm scared and that I am pushing him away – because I couldn't deny my feelings anymore.

I always asked myself why people would give their whole self to love, when they knew that it would hurt them if it all breaks apart.

I didn't give myself to love, but still, it hurt me – even if I'm the one who let everything break.

And that doesn't seem fair. I thought I could run away from everything and not give myself to love and not get hurt. But apparently, I was wrong. Because I'm hurting. So. Damn. Much.

The last week felt so long.

I went back to college, hoping that I find myself distracted by it from everything else that has been going on. I think I never tried this much to work. Because it seems like something that keeps my mind busy – too busy to think about anything else... let me feel anything else.

But it didn't work.

I tried so hard, but it didn't work.

Even after I blocked Clay.

I know that it is stupid and childish and... But I just couldn't take it any longer – seeing the messages or the incoming calls popping up on my phone screen. Because it meant his voice was always in my head – talking, begging, promising me. Saying that he loves me.

Because hearing this makes my mind want to fight against me.

It wants to tell me that I love him too.

Because I do.

It's just... it is not easy – like love is supposed to. I can't just... love him back like that.

Not if love seems this scary – this harmful.

Because the last weekend had been harmful. And not only for me. For Clay too. Even for Kara.

So, if love hurts like that – I do not see a point in doing this to me any longer than I have to.

So, I ran away. I ran away like a child that hugged the leg of a person that isn't its mother.

I avoided Clay's messages – blocked him. But still, it hasn't worked. I mean, it has worked to not get any messages anymore as a constant reminder of him. But it seems like life as it is, is enough reminder itself.

But it's not even the worst part about it – this constant reminder of Clay. Of his feelings, his voice, his touch, his everything. I thought it would be haunting me from all the hurting he let me feel and all the hurting I wanted him to feel.

The worst part is that I miss him.

And that hurts even more...

I don't even know why. I tell myself that I should be angry... because I have every right to. But then again, this anger is only there for a few minutes and gets overshadowed by memories.

I miss Clay so damn much – more than the time I went away for a whole month for college before. Maybe it is because I now know that I love him. Maybe it's because there was just too much intensity this last weekend.

Right now, it has not even been a whole week since I left again for college – but a whole week I felt so fucking miserable.

I felt miserable about the things he said to me – how he insulted me. I felt miserable about the things he did – sleeping with Kara. I felt miserable about the fact that I wanted to hurt him.

I felt miserable about the fact that he told me that he loved me.

But most of all, I felt miserable because I love him too.