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chapter forty-two

I love her.

I love her and I know she loves me.

She loves me back.

Or at least she did.

I sit in my car, hands pressing down on the steering wheel. I started to drive, but I couldn't get anywhere. I had to stop.

Her fucking house is still just over there. And I can't leave.

But I know she needs me to leave.

I know her. I know how she can talk about just anything – because I could listen to her talk about anything. She talks about anything except her own feelings.

I don't know why, but she can't deal with it – she doesn't deal with it. She laughs, she shouts, she cries... she shows all those feelings. But when it's about love...

She shows love. She showed love to me – I got to feel her love me. The way she kissed me, the way she just even looked at me with her bright eyes that always seem to have this sparkle in them.

That's how I knew she loved me. That's how I know she loves me.

But she doesn't know.

A shake goes through my body as I rethink that moment again – the moment as she looked up towards me and then closed the door.

Shutting me out. Shutting out her feelings.

I bite my teeth together, not allowing myself to scream. It wouldn't make the pain any less present.

Instead, I grab the steering wheel harder. My knuckles have probably already turned white, but it still didn't help. It didn't help to control my breathing.

Nothing will help if that moment won't stop replaying itself.

It's my fault. It's all my fault.

Just because I had to sleep with Kara. Because I wanted to make her feel bad.

I wanted to make her feel the way that she made me feel. The way she made me feel as she slept with Isaac. The way she made me feel as she slept with him again... or not- fuck.

The way she made me feel as she kissed Evan. Or the way she made me feel again as she said that she slept with Isaac once more - only a few hours back.

I wanted her to feel the same way, that she let me feel.

And maybe I also wanted to see that she felt broken. I wanted to see her break, so I could be sure that she in fact loved me. That I mattered to her.

And that's just selfish. I fucking know that it is selfish, but I couldn't take it any longer. I wanted to see... I wanted her to see that she loved me.

But instead, I broke her.

I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.

But it just seems so unfair. Because she hurt me first. She hurt me first and not only once. And it's not only the times with Isaac or Evan. It's the times when she didn't let me speak. All the times I wanted to talk to her, wanting to tell her that there is more than just friendship, more than just sex. All the times she shut me down.

But still, she didn't know what she was doing. I knew what I was doing. She didn't mean to hurt me, break me.

I did.

Which makes me the one who fucked it all up.

Only because I was so fucking jealous. Because I fell in love with her way too much. And when she slept with Isaac and then just kissed Evan... It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore because I loved her, and she didn't see it. She didn't see how much she hurt me with her actions and her words – and I just snapped. I completely snapped and for once I wanted to let her feel the way that she let me feel every fucking time she just looked at another guy.