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chapter forty-one

I should not be so calm right now.

I had many fights with my dad growing up. I think it's because of our similar type of aggression, which is building up kind of fast. We had huge fights. I would yell at him, because of some reason. He would yell back. We wouldn't talk for some hours. I would spend those hours in my room.

Normally, it was about four hours. In the first hour I mostly cried. I felt exhausted from the way I yelled... and the way I was yelled at. The second hour I felt angry. I was telling myself I was right about what I said. I felt angry at him for treating me like this. The third hour was the one where I calmed down. I started rethinking every word I said, every word he spoke. After the fourth hour I would decide to apologize. I usually would not apologize for the thing I did – the thing my dad got angry about – but I would apologize for yelling at him.

But the main thing was that I always calmed down after about two hours. And in the end I felt better.

Not this time.

It was about ten minutes that I cried and felt angry at the same time.

Then every feeling inside me disappeared.

I thought about every word Clay said to me. Every word – in those ten minutes.

The way he didn't care that he slept with Kara, the way he told me that without him I'd still be a virgin, I'd still be insecure.

He was so angry. Why was he so angry?

His words are still in my head, but it's like they don't affect me anymore.

His words were... too much. Too much, so that I couldn't handle them anymore. Too much, so they flipped a switch inside me.

I just feel numb. Lost.

It's better than the feeling before, because I don't feel anything. And not feeling anything is better than feeling pain – better than feeling the way Clay made me feel.

Nothing is so much better. Nothing is just... there is just nothing.

I don't want to deal with it. Not now. Maybe ever.

It seems so much easier, doesn't it?

Not dealing with any emotions, not dealing with him.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea to meet up with Isaac, but I did it anyways. I wanted my mind to go to different places – I wanted even the last thought about Clay's words to disappear.

I know that they can't disappear, but now they are just words. Words I can get away from.

I haven't checked my phone. I don't know what I would expect from it – if Clay called or not... I don't even want to know.

After I left Isaac's house it was completely dark. Then I started driving around.

I never drove around without a purpose, but this time I didn't know what else to do. Because I was scared.

I normally don't want to think about my emotions, don't want them to be acknowledged. But this time, I know I'm scared. I'm scared that if I get home and lay down, every feeling that is just suppressed in the moment will overwhelm me. And I know I can't handle that.

But at the same time, I'm so tired. I'm so tired from all the shouting, from all the feelings that I had to go through. I'm just so tired.

This is what might have outreached my fear and what made me finally drive back to my house.

I make a right, driving into my neighborhood. I don't even know if I'm driving fast or slowly, I just turn the wheel as I go, hoping not to hit anything. Actually, I don't even care about that.