Modest Oblivion - Book 6 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 41 - I've got everything to lose

‘I want to hear what you have got to say’ – The Subways

I’ve got everything to lose

Zayn leaned against the bar with a scowl, he was doing everything in his power to keep his eyes off the stage, off Saskia. Her voice was like a dream that filled every inch of the night air but to him it was nails on a chalkboard, a slap over and over again of the past. Zayn knew running from the past was impossible, Dakota taught him that long ago but it didn’t mean seeing Saskia hurt any less. Saskia was older now, more cynical and he wondered how much of that was his fault.

“Another,” he mumbled to the female bartender. She batted her eyelashes and nodded, causing her blonde hair to fall in her eyes. She was beautiful, petite with small hips and long spidery fingers but Zayn’s mind had deviated from sleeping with a large amount of women. He needed to process, Saskia was back in their lives. Saskia…

The drink appeared in front of him and he thanked her under his breath, she lingered for a few moments longer but when he paid her no attention she huffed and walked away. He stared at the shards of ice that looked like the jagged edges of glass in the tumbler, he swirled the bourbon around, deep in thought. Saskia’s voice was soft and as smooth as velvet, it filled his ears and the world spun with regrets. 

“Zayn?” Harry’s voice breaks through the music and he blinks. Zayn doesn’t reply and Harry says his name again, “Zayn?”

“What?” Zayn snarls. 

“I’m sorry about my speech,” Harry is meek and looked ashamed of himself. 

When Zayn looks at Harry, he notes the brightness in his eyes and the flush in his cheeks. Suddenly he is standing and looking eye to eye with Harry, they are inches apart. Zayn’s chest rises and falls with each unsteady breath.

“Zayn?” Harry clears his throat and switches his weight from side to side, “Say something?”

Zayn throws down the drink, it burns his throat and he walks away with a shake of his head. Zayn is drunk, his words are slurred as he mumbles, “I have nothing to say.”

“Wait?” Harry walks after him. 

Zayn ignores people as they say hello, he glares at Saskia watching him on stage and passes through the crowd like a staggering ghost. He is numb, he is confused and he is so tired of everything. Of the band, of the boys and of the fame, all he wants is to be left alone. To stare down the barrel of the gun at all the disappointment and regrets.

Louis is nowhere to be seen, neither is Niall and suddenly Zayn realises how close to breaking he really is. Rage floods his veins, bitterness and disgust at himself and the person Harry is choosing to become. Deep down he knows part of this bitterness that bleeds in his veins is from the alcohol, his judgement is clouded, he can’t think straight.

He pushes past their guard and leans against the edge of the rooftop, music surrounds them, lights blare and the party ensues. Zayn is wishes to be anywhere but here, to feel anything but the pain and sadness that wallows in his gut. Bile in his throat rises at the realisation that he’s alone, that no matter how much Harry fucks up Louis will always crawl back. 

Harry’s hand rests on Zayn’s shoulder, “Dude you’ll fall if you lean any–“

“So what if I fucking do?” Zayn slurs. 

“What?” Harry squeezes his shoulder tightly, completely taken back by Zayn’s anger. 

Zayn doesn’t want to let the past dictate his future, he doesn’t want to let his patience slip from his grip. He stares at the traffic, the crowd that gathers around the entrance of the hotel and he tries to catch his breath. Zayn doesn’t want to jump, he just wants to feel something other than the crazed resentment weighing so heavily on his chest.