Modest Oblivion - Book 6 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 44 - If I'm honest, I could've done it better

A/N - Super exciting news, if you love Dakota see where it all began in this original novel 'Dakota Diaries.' It will be posted every Monday and Thursday 7PM AEST, don't forget to follow and like my alternate, author Wattpad account and prepare yourselves. This is where it all began, when Dakota and Daisy fell apart, when she met Blake and everything changed. I hope you'll love and support this new chapter in Dakota's life. Username @Jbethwriter The link is in the sidebar!!!

'Start Again' - Conrad Sewell

'Mistakes' - Brian McFadden feat. Delta Goodrem

If I'm honest, I could've done it better

Zayn was drunk, not just a little intoxicated. No. He'd passed that milestone hours ago, he knew it was the wrong thing to do especially on a night like this but his hand found the liquor bottle. Alcohol soothed his racing mind and his thundering heartbeat. His face was flushed, cheeks so hot he was sure scores would melt from the touch of his skin. The band had stopped playing, now a dj was on stage and dancing wildly with the crowd. He rested his head against the wall, knees pulled to his chest and a cigarette hung limply between his lips.

Zayn refused to look for her, she was still here, he was sure of it. As much as he wanted to talk to Saskia, to open up and find forgiveness in her smile he wasn't brave enough. Zayn was acting weak, he was being a child. Niall left hours ago, he hadn't seen him since and Zayn felt a little guilty letting him leave alone. He knew he was too drunk to really be of any use to Niall, that just made him feel even guiltier. Of all the times he had been a good friend to Zayn and the other boys, Zayn couldn't even offer that brother's love in return.

He was hopeless.

He was drunk.

He was terrified of what he'd become.

This isn't me! His mind protested as he sucked on the cigarette and let the smoke filter through his clouded lungs. Strobe lights began to flicker, he watched Harry and Louis disappear into the dance floor with each flash of the bright light. He attempted to focus his blurred eyes on the lovers, the way Harry threw his head back in laughter. Watch Louis as he lifted his hands in the air and his palms waved at the moon, the night brought them closer.

Zayn hoped his harsh words brought Harry to his senses, Zayn knew somewhere in his muddled mind that there was more to Harry's behaviour then fear. But, typical Zayn when he was scared and when he was drunk he pushed until someone snapped. Zayn was sometimes so afraid of letting go that he would push others to the point that they'd explode, they would be the ones to fall apart and Zayn was ashamed to say he felt triumph in Harry's tears. He was afraid of admitting how he felt, that he was lost and scared. Unease rolled through him at the realisation that fame wasn't all it was cracked up to be, that he missed Porter so much it made his chest ache and that he was lonely.

Surrounded by a crowd and Zayn had never felt so alone.

He closed his eyes, hating himself for who he'd become. His fans loved a monstrosity, a false version of himself. They said they loved him, promised to follow him to the ends of the earth. Fans swore no matter what they would always support him, cheer for him. How could they cheer for him? How could their love be so unfaltering when he loathed his very reflection?

Zayn could see Dakota behind closed eyes, in his mind he envisioned the girl with the long brown hair and the wicked smile. He missed her more than those he lost to the grips of death. He missed her smell, the way her hand would lock with his and when she was with him his hurt subsided. Dakota was like a sponge always trying to free her drowning friends, he didn't appreciate her enough when she was with them.