Modest Oblivion - Book 6 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 11 - Forget what I had in mind

Forget what I had in mind

Three hours of arguing, blaming and conversations that were lost on Niall as he sat in stark silence, he stared at his hands and then the wall, sometimes he stared at the floor. He didn’t say a word, not when Harry asked if he was okay or when Jennifer gripped his hands and asked if he blamed her. Nor did Niall glance at Matthew who tried to explain that for the most part she was unharmed, he just stared blankly. It was as if the lights were on but he had checked out, Niall only existed in reality because he had to. 

Then Louis burst into tears, a string of apologies between broken sobs as he tried to reconcile with himself that maybe it was all his fault. Niall didn’t look up as Louis cried, he didn’t mutter any words of encouragement or of anger. Louis begged Niall to hit him or scream, to cry and holler or even blame them all but Niall did nothing. 

He was unmoving, unfeeling because in any sense that he understood the Dakota Fox he loathed to love was gone. She too, checked out of her own mind for what he could only imagine were horrific reasons. Niall couldn’t comprehend what anyone was saying, nor could he even begin to understand what reality was swiftly unfolding in front of him like a rug. 

Dakota was there, then she wasn’t. 

Then his world fell apart, as he drowned out his emotions and thoughts with the warm company of expensive liquor and the billowing smoke of cigarettes. Then that cloud of smoke engulfed him and for a while he was completely numb to it all. To the pain that came with knowing the girl he loved had just disappeared, vanished. 

My Dakota. 

The thought struck him, every pair of eyes in the room was glued on him as his body tensed. A wave of unease rolled over him like unrelenting nausea, his Dakota was gone. 

Gone. 

Vanished. 

Obliterated. 

Nonexistent.

Even if he told her how sorry he was, how much he regretted every single moment he spent loathing her instead of loving her it would be for nothing. All his apologies would go in one of her beautiful ears and out the other, she remembered nothing. Maybe if she remembered nothing she would be in less emotional pain, pain from losing her sister and so many others along the way. But at what cost was losing everything? 

Dakota’s mind, from what he understood was a blank slate and every precious moment spent building their relationship was now expired. He never even knew that there was an expiration date with Dakota, like a carton of milk or chicken left uncooked. He would always carry the blame, guilt and burden of playing ‘What if’ with his own worst enemy…himself.

The room was purring with activity as Jennifer began to frantically clean, Zayn drank beer after beer despite the medication he was on and Liam just sat with Niall. His presence was comforting, though Niall was unsure how to admit it. His mouth didn’t work, words were useless as his mind ran dry of ways to express himself. He felt truly and utterly deceased, he was living in his shell but he wasn’t really living at all. 

Harry excused himself several times to break down, he didn’t do it in front of Niall. Niall assumed it was because Harry was trying to be strong but it was useless, they could all hear his ragged sobs through the wall. Louis followed after him, offering a swift succession of apologies and blame on himself. Harry would return for a while, until he couldn’t hold it in and left the room once more. 

Since the news broke, the room and every person in it seemed to run on clockwork. Harry would cry, Zayn would mumble a few words that sounded muffled to Niall and then open another beer. Niall’s own drink remained unopened on the shiny, black coffee table. Jennifer offered coffee and tea, made some and sat down only to call the nanny and check on Flynn before offering another round of coffee and tea. Clockwork. 

Louis squeezed Niall’s hand, promising it would all be okay. “If anyone understands pain and guilt, it’s me. I put Harry through hell,” his fingers interlaced with Niall’s but Niall just stared, eyes glazed over. “You’ll get through this, we’re all here.”

Niall blinked in response, his mind a million miles away.

Then, from his stoic stance at the counter Matthew whispered to Abigail and pried his hand from hers as he tried to offer Niall some comfort. Matthew proceeded to tell Niall, as he stared blankly at his hands that she didn’t know her own name…she didn’t know she had a sister or that she’d even been missing. 

Voss tried desperately to explain that this amnesia could perhaps be a semi permanent cause of whatever trauma she had been through. Voss lost Niall the moment the word ‘trauma’ fell from his lips. The words shattered his growing touch with reality and he spiralled back, deeper into his own shell. 

His back ached, his bones creaked from sitting in the same position for so long but he just went over every last thing he’d said to Dakota. If I could do it all again, Niall finally understood the utter anguish Harry lived through for all those months. 

At least Harry got Louis back. The thought left a residual throbbing in his chest, Dakota didn’t remember him and it was unknown if she ever would. 

Zayn passed out with his head hanging off the back of the couch, his mouth open as he snored loudly. Jennifer wrapped a thin, grey blanket around Niall and whispered in his ear that she was hurting too. 

Still he said nothing. 

In the dead of night, everyone fell asleep in the vigil around Niall. A show of support for him, a show that they were all experiencing the heartache he was, that they were all afraid. He pried his hand from Louis and waited to make sure no one stirred, his mind whirred with a myriad of thoughts. 

The fear of seeing her again, of feeling that explosion of uncontrollable misery when Dakota’s beautiful blue eyes would meet his own and see nothing but a stranger paralysed him. What would he say? What could he say? Could he ever help her remember…?

Niall froze, he looked around at them all suddenly wondering how much time had passed as the realisation struck him. Yes, I’ll make her remember me.

“I need to see her,” He said and then frowned as his voice was so quiet. 

He cleared his throat, “I need to see her!” He said defiantly and loud enough that almost everyone, bar Zayn, woke up with a start. 

“Niall?” Harry was on the floor with his head resting on Louis’ lap and he gazed up. His green eyes were glassy as he blinked sleep from his eyes. “What did you say?” 

“I need to see her,” he announced a little louder. His voice was hoarse and it seemed so loud after hours of silence. 

“The hospital says–“ Jennifer began, her voice small and words turning into a yawn. She was wrapped in Liam’s arm on the small grey two seater opposite him. Liam blinked with a start as Jennifer shook him and hissed, “Niall’s talking.”

“Hey, buddy are you okay?” Liam whispered. 

“I need to see her,” he said again suddenly sounding like a robot on repeat. 

“The doctors say she needs–“

“I said I need to see her,” he gritted his teeth. Like hell anyone was going to stop him.

“Niall,” Harry stood up. “Let’s talk about this. Let me get you a drink or–“

“I don’t want a fucking drink!” He snapped, the aggression that rose in him made him blink in surprise. 

“I…” Harry trailed off looking at Louis. 

“I need to see her,” Niall said again, standing up he felt suddenly positive and washed with a sense of purpose and determination. “I need to make her remember.”

Then Jennifer burst into tears as he took off for the door.