Modest Oblivion - Book 6 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 14 - I am not a friend of me

‘Supposed’ – James Arthur

I am not a friend of me

  It was the middle of the night and everyone was exhausted as they were hauled out of bed by a very apologetic Liam and then a very angry text message from Jacob, they piled into the car yawning and groaning. Niall didn’t say anything, he wasn’t yawning and groaning because in truth he hadn’t slept. He spent the entire night scouring the internet for hope. All he came up with was the terrifying finality of Dakota possibly never remembering him, remembering the pain and love they shared. 

Dissociated Amnesia, previously referred to as psychogenic amnesia…the words swirled in front of his eyes and every one weighed him down even more. His resolve to ‘save’ her was lost, the reality of what had happened slapped him from all his romantic notions. Notions of pulling her into his arms and spilling out his heart and soul to the spitfire brunette he loved more then life itself. Too late, I’m too late.

Niall slid into the car, lost in thought as James Arthur began on the radio and the lyrics were horrifically relevant to his current state of mind. ‘I should have said it all when I was close to you, like I was supposed to do.’

Liam was absently talking to Zayn as they slid into the car and his smile dropped as Luke tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and absently sung the lyrics. ‘We’re stuck in this dead end. All the words they come too late…’

Zayn elbowed Liam when he noted Niall clenching his fists, sucking in deep breaths as he struggled to steady himself. Liam looked at Niall for a moment before he lunged forward, “Luke,” he snarled like an angry wolf. “Change the song.”

“But–“ Luke looked over at Niall and stopped talking. The lyrics hung heavily in the air, ‘it’s just too late, the hands of fate…’

“Now!” Liam commanded. 

Luke, full of apologies slapped the radio, frantically smashing the buttons and the music stopped. The car now filled with silence, Luke turned around and his large brown eyes pleaded for Niall’s forgiveness. “Niall I am so sorry, I didn’t think…”

“You didn’t know,” Niall shuddered and rested his face in his hands, “I am so exhausted.”

“You’ll see her soon,” Liam whispered as he reached across Zayn and put his hand on Niall’s knee. “We’ll all be there.”

Niall nodded, but the words of articles and fact sheets about Dissociative Amnesia blurred his vision. Dissociative amnesia occurs when a person blocks out certain information, usually associated with a stressful or traumatic event, leaving him or her unable to remember important personal information. With this disorder, the degree of memory loss goes beyond normal forgetfulness and includes gaps in memory for long periods of time or of memories involving the traumatic event, before the event or people closest to the person all together.

Niall settled on the chair, he had lost his fight as he realised Dakota might never remember him, or who she was. He wasn’t going to let everyone coddle him with, ‘give it time’ and ‘she can’t forget a love like yours.’ It was futile and he had spent the last five months hoping for the best and expecting the worst.  He realised to hope was like grasping at water always touching but never catching hold. Dakota was the water, his hand was the one always grasping at something that was now utterly lost.

The car in front took off with Louis and Harry, Niall wished he could talk to Harry. He finally wanted to tell them how he felt but Harry was a car away so he settled in silence and chewed on the inside of his cheek. Fog was thick in the morning air as they drove, houses with the lights off passed by and Niall wished he were asleep like the rest of the world. He looked at his phone, a photo of him and Dakota at the engagement party lit up the background. Niall sighed as he studied the photo, her skin was kissed by the sun and her hair long and tousled. He felt like he’d failed Dakota, he turned the phone off unable to sit under her stare any longer; amnesia. The word on replay in his head.

Zayn rested his head against the seat in silence. “I’m scared,” he confessed. 

Niall opened his eyes to look at Zayn, “What?” He asked, his voice hoarse. 

“You know,” Zayn turned to Niall and his hazel eyes shone with sadness. It was probably the first time he had opened up, or at least tried to speak with Niall. “To see her,” Zayn gulped, “You know…Dakota.”

Niall and Liam flinched, though not for the same reasons. 

Liam flinched for the inevitable outburst Niall would have at mention of Dakota, at Zayn trying to open up when all Niall had done was try to run from his problems. Niall, however flinched because as Zayn said her name he realised he was scared too. He flinched because in that moment he finally understood that he wasn’t in this alone, that they were all facing the pain of losing their loved and loathed girl, Dakota. 

“I…” Zayn looked at Niall, “Look we don’t have to talk about it.”

Naill offered a small smile, “Yes we do.”

They both paused, watching him and their faces spoke surprise. “Niall?”

“I’m ready to talk about her,” he turned to them, “about the pain I’m in and I just… I know it’s not just me feeling this.” He put an arm around Zayn, “we’re in it together, aren’t we?”

“Of course,” Zayn said as he swiped at his eyes. “You’re my brother.”

“You love her too,” Niall acknowledged.

They drove in silence but the tension that usually surrounded Niall was absent, he finally opened the door to his friends and it felt good. It felt like instead of being shrouded in darkness, alone, his friends were right there with him. 

When they arrived at headquarters the boys piled out and met up with Louis and Harry who were hissing at each other. When they approached Niall frowned, he hadn’t seen the boys argue in quite a while and he smiled. “Hey,” he said. 

Louis’ eyebrows rose, “Hi?” He hadn’t had a civil conversation with Niall in a long time so he was, of course unsure of what Niall’s half smile meant.

Niall patted Louis on the shoulder as Harry’s hand slipped into Louis’, “Later,” Harry whispered in a gruff tone to Louis. 

Louis nodded in response to Harry and turned, “Niall, you okay?”

“Suppose,” Niall shrugged. 

Zayn leant against the wall, “What do you suppose the meeting is about?”

“Nothing good if Jacob’s involved,” Liam sighed. 

“Will you boys,” Niall looked at them all and began to ask them if they would come and stay with hiim when he saw Dakota but then his phone went off. It was Jennifer. 

‘We have a problem, you need to be ready.’ All the colour drained from his face and his resolve to be strong, to open up slammed shut like a heavy door. 

“Who is it?” Zayn asked. 

Niall handed him the phone. 

Zayn sucked in a deep breath, “Liam, you know anything about this?” He asked. 

Liam stared at the phone, “No.”

“You’re lying,” Niall snapped. 

“I’m not,” Liam rounded his shoulders, “Niall I swear I have no idea.”

The elevator doors opened and Niall felt sick to the very core, he almost didn’t got to the meeting but Harry took his hand. “We’ll see her soon,” Harry whispered. 

Niall nodded, that’s what he wanted for months. To see Dakota but now, he wasn’t so sure… now he wanted to run away as far as possible. Nothing is ever easy.