Modest Oblivion - Book 6 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 33 - Show Me My Silver Lining

‘Between Friends’ – Japanese Wallpaper Feat. Jesse Davidson 

‘My Silver Lining’ – First Aid Kit

Show me my silver lining

The wedding is beautiful, the world fades away and all the loss and sadness disappears with it. As Harry stands and watches his two friends finally unite in their love he can’t help but think of those who are absent. Those who are gone, not only from their lives forever but from the earth. Logan, Porter… he tries to focus on the wedding but he can’t help but notice the name cards that don’t seat the men he loved so much. Porter, a friend, a confidant and someone who went to hell and back by their sides. 

Porter, the man who put up with all of their drama and stuck by their sides until his bitter end. Harry couldn’t help but think of the way Porter just died, his body bleeding out and his smile faded until it was frozen on his face. The light gone from his eyes, he thought of Porter’s laugh and the way his eyes wrinkled when he smiled. 

Louis held his hand tightly but Harry’s mind was elsewhere, he hiccupped when his mind trailed to Logan. The beautiful, broken angel that swept him off his feet and glued him back together when he was riddled with sadness. That sadness had left, had lifted from his weighted chest but now that Logan was gone Harry was missing a piece of himself. 

He loved Logan’s smile, the callouses in his hands and the way his freckles scattered along his skin, melted with his tattoos. Logan wasn’t Louis, nor would he ever replace Louis and what he meant to Harry but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Logan. He missed Logan, in every second of every day. He missed the way Logan would answer the phone always sounding more cheerful to hear Harry on the other end. He missed the way Logan would rip Harry out of his rut, take him from his comfort and change his mind. When Harry was down, when Harry felt he could’t possibly get back up again Logan would carry him. 

Logan would never carry him again, it broke his heart. 

He blinked back the tears in his eyes and stifled the sob in his throat, I miss you. 

Louis eyed him, his big blue eyes studying the frown on Harry’s face and the absence in his eyes. Harry squeezed Louis’ hand and focused on Liam’s bright smile. Liam’s eyes were filled with tears as he said, “I do.”

The word reverberated in Harry’s head, such finality. A lifetime, forever with the one he loved and Harry wondered if that’s what Louis truly wanted with him. After I told him the truth. 

The fact that he killed Darcy was a dead weight in his stomach, guilt flooded through his veins. He wasn’t just an addict, a bad person… he was a murderer. 

“You may now kiss the bride,” The chaplain announced with a cheerful smile and a twinkle of joy in his tired eyes. 

The crowd cheered, applause broke out and Harry was yanked from his guilt-filled reverie. Louis wiped tears from his eyes, Niall was sobbing and so proud of his friends Harry could see it all over his pale face. Zayn was smirking as Jennifer was pulled into Liam’s arms for a perfect kiss. 

“They finally made it,” Zayn proclaimed as he raised his arms and cheered. 

For a moment, just a moment everything else that was bringing havoc into their lives disappeared. It was nice, more than nice to see Niall smiling and Zayn cheering, to see Liam crying with joy instead of pain. 

“We’ll be next,” Harry said to Louis with a smile. 

Louis shuddered, “I love you, Styles.”

“Forever, Tomlinson,” Harry muttered and kissed Louis’ cheek. It was refreshing to be in public and kissing Louis. No cameras meant no rules, freedom was a luxury in their very public lives. 

Louis giggled as Jennifer turned around with Liam’s hand in her’s and the chaplain said, “I present Mr and Mrs. Payne.”

The crowd went wild, Harry wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Liam smiling so brightly and swiped the tears from his own glistening eyes. 

Harry looked into the crowd from his spot at the altar, in the back row in navy blue with pale skin and blank eyes. Harry dropped Louis’ hand, breath catching in his throat as if his mouth was filled with cotton balls. There, in the back of the crowd with his arms folded and a stream of blood trickling from his blue lips was Darcy.

This wasn’t the first time Harry had seen his guilt in live action, Darcy was the one he stabbed. The one who played for power and tried to punish Harry, the one who Harry shoved a knife into. The one who died right in front of Harry’s eyes, the life drifted from him like hot air rising into the sky. 

“Harry?” Louis’ voice was steady but it rose an octave, a telltale sign he was worried.

Harry didn’t want to show Louis how far gone his mind really was, after the drugs, the deaths of his friends and the pain of losing Dakota for a second time. After his break with Louis, his reuniting with Louis and the eradication of all substances from his bloodstream. Some days Harry wondered if he was simply the shell of his former self. 

The band began singing, ‘My Silver Lining,’ and Harry’s ears pricked up at the lyrics. They resonated deep within him, striking a cord and reminding him of what he was, who he’d become. “I’m fine,” he whispered at Louis.

“But–“

“I said I’m fine,” Harry snapped as he rose his hand. 

‘Regret, remorse hold on,’ he looked at Louis, the sultry voice of Saskia sending a shiver down his spine. He kissed Louis on the cheek, his eyes never leaving Darcy who stared at him. A look so pointed, so haunting that Harry’s blood ran cold and he was sure all the colour had drained from his face. ‘There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on,’ was he losing his mind? Or was this his punishment for killing another man? I defended myself, his mind bellowed. 

Harry shook his head, his thoughts twisting like vines around his throat and making him unable to breathe, unable to speak. “Louis, I’m fine,” he said the words but they sounded so uneven and so untrue. 

Louis followed Harry’s eyes, “What are you looking at?”

“Who,” Harry corrected him with a mumble.

“What?”

Harry shook his head, “Nothing.” 

The music continued, every lyric slapping him awake once more. ‘Can't worry 'bout what's behind you or what's coming for you further up the road I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong.’

“You’re scaring me,” Louis hissed and his hands ran up Harry’s trembling arms. 

Niall was beside them, “What are we going to do about Saskia?” His voice was light but his eyes studied her as she swayed her hips on the stage and gripped the microphone tightly. 

Darcy lifted his thin arm, quivering he raised it and pointed his finger straight at Harry. He mouthed, ‘you killed me,’ over and over again. Just like in Harry’s nightmares and Harry was reeling, sickened and completely terrified.

“Harry?” Niall asked.

“I need a drink,” he whispered as the darkness slithered back in. 

He said nothing else as he walked straight to where Darcy sat, his breathing ragged and his mind running wild. The chorus hit, loud and steady her voice echoed through Harry’s mind. ‘Having no idea who or what or where I am. Something good comes with the bad.’ He shivered, who am I?

Louis was whispering frantically to Niall, his words lost on Harry as he stepped closer and closer to Darcy. His hand pointed, his eyes vicious. Deep down Harry knew he wasn’t truly there, he was dead after all. “Impossible,” he hissed under his breath. He was right, it was impossible, three steps from where Darcy stood and when Harry blinked, his victim was gone disappeared into a puff of smoke. I’m going mad.

The song pounded in his ears, her voice too loud, he laughed at the irony of the lyrics.

‘Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on…’