This is where I need to brace myself. Shit, I really think that I should have gone for a drink beforehand because my darling mother is, unfortunately on the brink of an emotional meltdown.
"You've done what?"
My mum glares at me with scolding brown eyes and tight-pursed lips. She's giving me 'the look'. The one that, within seconds, makes me feel like I am a two-year-old child. Her cheek is also doing that funny little twitch, which she only gets when she's angry. And boy, is she fucking livid. I knew my news would not go down well with her, but right now, her motherly glares are futile. I am definitely not changing my mind...at all!
"I've quit my job and I'm leaving for a trip to America on Saturday."
I repeat myself, sitting on the stool facing my mother while putting on my best defiant face. Nervously, I held my mum's disapproving stare. Yup, I'm definitely feeling like a little girl who is trying to ask for permission to stay up a little on school nights. I chastise myself in my mind for being so utterly pathetic, what's wrong with me? After all, I'm a twenty-five-year-old adult woman and I can definitely make my own decisions!
"Have you lost your mind, girl?"
My mum stands on her side of the kitchen table, eye-balling me so damn hard that if looks could kill, I'm pretty sure I would have been dead by now. I understand that she's upset, but she also needs to hear me out. For months, I've been trying to get on with my life, and as usual, hiding my feelings behind my big fat smile that I constantly put on to assure everyone in my life that I'm doing fine. If I was feeling down, I smiled. If I was hurting, I smiled. If I was angry, I still put on my damn megawatt smile. It just seems that I no longer smile because I want to. I simply smile to disguise every single, shitty, negative thing about me and my crappy life.
"Mum, please just listen to me. I've had enough. I need to do something different. I'm fed up with my life. It's the same monotonous thing; day in and day out."
As I'm pleading my mum to listen to my reason for wanting to up and leave, she does what I predicted she would do. She just dismisses my raw and honest admission with a thoughtless swish of her hand.
"Never mind that. What is this going to America crap?"
As my anger begins to bubble, my shoulders tense and I can really feel my cheeks burning a deep shade of scarlet.
"It is not crap, I'm going and the flight is this Saturday!"
While I yelled out my reply, I could see that my mum was surprised by my little outburst. She blinks slowly. Her face is now so full of worry, I actually feel terrible for making her feel that way. As she calmly sits herself down on the kitchen stool, she asks quietly.
"Where in America?"
Reciprocating her calmness, I answer. "Montana."
She sighs loudly, shaking her head. "What the hell for?"
I smile, my eyes widening with excitement and I can feel that I'm finally getting through to my mum.
"I want to do something different. I'm young and I want to live a little. This is something that I've always wanted to do. To go live on a real ranch and ride horses in a beautiful country."
A dreamy smile spans my face, knowing that I am really doing this. It feels so exhilarating knowing that it's going to be a reality, come this Saturday.
My mum sarcastically laughs while crossing her arms and shaking her head.
"My goodness, Jennie, you've always lived with your head in the clouds, but this one really takes the cake. It really does."
I look down at the table, fiddling with one of the placemats in front of me while trying to find the best words and make my true feelings known to my mother.
"Mum, I've not been happy for a long time. Ever since Kai and I broke up, my life has just gone from bad to worse."
After admitting that, it's like a huge boulder dropping off my shoulders because I've hiding what I really felt for so long.
"You and Kai split up over eight months ago, Jennie. Surely you are over that now?"
"Of course, I am, but all of my friends are settling down or thinking about kids...and me? I work in a dead-end telemarketing job that I absolutely loathe. I have no one, no career...no nothing to call my own." I sigh heavily.
The more I think about my life. The more depressed I feel. I really am over Kai. This is not about him, but since our difficult breakup, my life has lost all its direction. I had been with Kai for just over five years. Our relationship had run its course a long time before we actually split. I was just too damn scared to admit it. I did love Kai, but I was no longer in love with him. It would seem he felt exactly the same way, only that he didn't have the balls to tell me sooner. It was only when I discovered that he has been messaging another woman that he confessed how he really felt. It was then that I knew it was time to walk away from the relationship that was going nowhere. As painful as it was, I always knew that it was the right thing to do.
