"Oh, my God! That has to be the wildest day of my life." I excitedly grab hold of Lisa's arm as we leave the arena. She smiles at my over enthusiastic chatter while we walk.
Her mouth is twitching with amusement. "I can see you had a good time." she says calmly.
"Oh, it's such a buzz, isn't it?" I say with a bouncy, happy stride.
"What did you like most?" Lisa asks.
I think for a moment wearing only a big ecstatic smile. "I think my favorite was the bareback riding or the saddle bronc, although the barrel racing was fun too!" I pause for a second, still holding onto her. I excitedly cuddle against her arm really tight, shrugging my shoulders hard. "Oh, I just loved it all!" I continue to ramble on like an excited fool.
Lisa laughs, obviously pleased that I've enjoyed myself. "I knew you would. You seem to really love our ways, Jennie." she says, looking down at me with an unyielding gaze. I think she's about to say something else, but thinks better of it. Whatever is on her mind, she dismisses it right away.
I take hold of her hand, our fingers entwining around one another's. "I can honestly say, I love everything about being here." I say with an open heart. Lisa looks lost for a moment. When her amber eyes meet mine, she only gives me a little smile. I can tell she's thinking about something, but she's not telling me what. I playfully pull on the lapel of her shirt, deciding to try and lighten her sullen mood. "Besides, I'm getting the best oral sex...ever! What's not to like?" I grin up at her, girlishly batting my lashes.
A smile is definitely pulling at the corners of her downturned mouth. Scratching her temple with an amused shake of the head, she squeezes my hand. "Come on, let's go home." she says softly.
The word 'home' stays with me. Is that what she thinks, that I'm already home? Is she even aware that she's just called her home, my home? I try not to overthink it. After such a wonderful day, I don't want to ruin it with my incessant overthinking of things.
For some strange reason, for the whole journey back to the ranch, Lisa remains painfully quiet. She seems preoccupied and distant. When we reach the cabin, I begin to feel agitated and nervous. I don't usually doubt whether Lisa is staying with me...she just does. However, tonight seems different. I wonder whether she wants to be with me at all. "Are you coming in?" I almost back out of asking her; too afraid of what her answer might be.
Her expression turns deadly serious. "Do you want me to?" she asks.
I weakly smile. "Of course, I do. That's only if you want to, of course. If you're wanting to sleep in your own bed tonight, I will completely understand." I try to sound casual about it. But the truth of the matter is, if he chooses not to stay, I will probably cry in the bath for hours. I'll drink a stupid amount of wine and cry some more with pathetic sad songs for company.
Lisa tilts her head. "Can I stay again?" she asks quietly.
With relief, my shoulders drop. "I would love for you to be with me tonight." I open the door, walking slowly inside. Lisa solemnly follows behind me. I lovingly put my Stetson down on the bedside table. Once I turn around, I see her exquisite but burdened face. I move close to her, running my finger down her clothed chest. "This is becoming a habit, you know?" I say with a wantonness coating my words. I will try to seduce this solemn mood from her, if it's the last thing I do. I really don't like this side of her; it's cold and aloof. Just as my mind is about to spiral into a blind panic about what cold and aloof could mean in a relationship, Lisa minimizes the space between us.
"You're a tough habit to break." she says slowly, her fingers caressing my arms.
I feel like I can actually start breathing now. If she didn't want me anymore, she would not be doing this...would she?
My self-doubt continues to silently persecute me. Warning me to enjoy the feeling of Lisa touching me, because soon...it will be gone.
