All morning I have felt heavy and sick. A numbing nausea blankets me. I'm barely able to function. Everything I do is in a painful slow motion. My suitcase sits by the cabin door, and my heart is in my dry mouth. It's palpitating with a deep feeling of sadness. Each thudding beat is just another distressing reminder of just how much it hurts. Lisa and I have both been trying to distract one another with feigned humour, but the veil of anguish never leaves our faces.
"The car is ready, Jennie." Lisa weakly smiles, her brave face now so pale.
"Okay," I answer with a big ball of overwhelming emotion stuck in my throat.
Picking up my belongings, she walks silently out towards the Ford Expedition waiting for me. The silence she leaves behind is excruciating. Can a silence really hurt? What surrounds me now, is doing just that.
Closing the cabin door, my heart sinks at the sight of all the other leaving guests getting into the car. It's bad enough that I'm leaving, but to have to endure sitting with all these people while my heart is breaking. Is just too unbearable for words.
Lisa is trying to look at me, but her conflicted eyes are only able to briefly meet mine. "Jung-jae volunteered to drive all of you to the airport. He thought you might need a friendly face. You can sit up front with him, if you like," she thoughtfully says.
Only a tiny grateful smile reaches my quaking lips. "I would really like that," I reply, trying hard not to crumble before her.
As Lisa is putting my things in the car, I see Chitthip and Marco coming out of the main house. Their kind smiling faces only make things worse. Again, my heart begins to hurt. It repetitively pumps the pain all around my weary body.
Chitthip rushes towards me with her outstretched arms. "We just had to come and say goodbye. You've been a beautiful breath of fresh air around here, Jennie. Have a safe journey, won't you?"
Chitthip wraps her motherly arms around me. The pain in my chest is so intense, I fear I may just faint.
"Thanks for everything, Chitthip."
She lovingly strokes my face, tears filling her kindly eyes. "It's not only Lisa, who's going to miss you."
My teary and very grateful eyes, look to the ground. I cuddle her again; a choking sob traitorously refuses to remain in my throat. "Look after Lisa for me," I whisper in her ear.
She holds me tighter, nodding. "Of course, I will." she whispers back.
Marco stands behind Chitthip, waiting his turn to say goodbye. "Don't be a stranger now, little lady," he says, sweeping me into his strong, bear like arms.
"I won't." The lump in my throat hurts so much; I can hardly swallow.
Putting me down, Marco squeezes both my shoulders before stepping back to be with Chitthip. They both walk away to say their goodbyes to all the other guests, leaving just Lisa and I standing behind the car.
To see Lisa so overwhelmed, ravaged by unforgiving emotion, is something I shall never forget. For the first time, Lisa looks terribly vulnerable. The person that I love is fighting her own inner battle with everything that she's got. Her fidgeting hands hide in the back pockets of her jeans, while swirling her boot idly around in the dusty gravel. I edge closer, willing her to look back into my sorry eyes.
Tentatively, I reach for the top of her hand that sits within the depth of his pocket. "Thank you, Lisa. For giving me something that I will forever cherish." I just about manage to get out my trembling words.
Her tear-filled eyes look down at me. "You know, Jennie, some people search their whole lives, looking for what we have shared these past two weeks," she says in a beautifully emotive way.
I step closer, needing to be nearer to her. "I know," I reply, in a crushed and weak voice.
Pulling out both her hands from her pockets, she desperately pulls me against her heaving chest. "I'm going to miss you so fucking much," she declares with such ferocious passion, I am beyond repair. Her words completely destroy me. I slump in her arms, uncontrollably crying. My heart shatters within the confines of my aching chest. Each hopeless shard represents every conceivable emotion a human being can ever have, because with her, I have felt them all.
