Lisa grabs hold of my elbow, pulling me back. "I've hurt you. I never wanted that, Jennie."
I stop. Cautiously turning to face her, painting on my bravest smile. "I'm a big girl, Lisa. I'm fine, really I am." I feed her my lies. I'm not fine. I couldn't be further away from fine. I am definitely not fucking fine.
She looks at me with sincere remorse. "I shouldn't have acted on my feelings. I'm so sorry." she says. Why does she always have to be so fucking gentle and kind!
"What exactly are your feelings, Lisa?"
She looks me calmly in the eye. "They don't matter. You're a guest. This can't happen. It's not fair to either of us to get involved." Just thinking of how sensible Lisa is drives me nuts!
Humiliation aside, I think I know exactly what she means. A holiday romance is not something Lisa wants and certainly should not be something I want. As wonderful as she makes me feel, and as hurt as I feel now, I honestly do understand. I suppose I should be thankful for the beautiful night we have just shared. I touch her arm, as painful as it is to do so; I reach out to her. "It's okay, really. I understand, Lisa."
"Honestly?" she says sadly.
Her expression is killing me. But I cannot let her see through that. I feign a gracious smile. "Of course, I do. Thank you for such a wonderful night. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
She nods. "Okay." Her face is now solemn. "At least let me walk you back to your cabin." she asks.
"If it's all the same to you, I would rather you don't." I don't say it with malice. I don't say it with anger. I say it with truth. I just need to be alone to have time to lick my wounds and prepare myself for another day.
I turn around, standing tall with my shoulders straight and my head held high. From the back, I probably look accepting and confident. Thankfully, she does not feel what's in my heart. She can't read my mind; nor can she see the tears that sadly roll down my cheeks.
Sleep eludes me. Every damn time I close my eyes; I keep replaying what happened last night...over and over again, just trying to make some sense of it all. As the morning light reaches into my cabin, I feel absolutely drained. I'm so sick and tired of my own, self-indulgent wallowing. I've put myself in exactly the same place as I was in Seoul, feeling lost and low.
I came here to get away from all that nonsense and now I feel that I am back to square one. I grab a pillow, pulling it down hard on my face while I shout muffled expletives into it. I need to stop feeling like this, this has to stop right away. So, I place what I think and feel, into a safe and secure corner of my heart, leaving it there to silently fester.
I manage to get my slumped body showered and dressed; taking my heavy footed but very clean body to the dining room inside the main house. It's almost impossible to perk myself up, when I'm walking around with a bruised heart.
I spot a friendly face in Rosé, who is gesturing for me to join her. Her mischievous eyes are bright and wide. "So, how was your walk with Ms. Dreamy McCreamy?" she asks, with a mouthful of pancakes still being chewed inside of her smiling mouth.
"It was fine." I replied in a monotone voice. My weighted-down body sits opposite her, propping my fed-up cheek on my fist.
Rosé grimaces. "Just fine?" she asks, her eyes rapidly blinking with confusion.
"Just fine." I repeat, trying to eat my breakfast, but the food refuses to go down. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see both Rosé and Jisoo, exchanging wary looks.
"So, what are you doing today, Jennie?" Jisoo asks with a sympathetic smile on her kind face. I throw her a thankful look for filling in the awkward silence, hanging precariously in the air.
"I think I'll go for a ride this morning, then I'm going to have a go at some shooting." I say, playing around with the cereal that remains uneaten in my bowl. Nothing...but nothing...is going to make it pass this lump of sadness firmly lodged within my throat.
Jisoo's relaxed eyes brighten. "I'm shooting later, as well. I want to try out archery first, though." she excitedly tells me. It's hard not to feel a little better around Jisoo. She maybe be a lot quieter than Rosé, but she's a woman with a big heart and I can tell she absolutely loves and worships Rosé. I watch her leaning into Rosé, sweetly kissing her temple. Jealousy starts to tug at my core, because why can't I have what they have. Why?
"I expect I'll see you later then, Jisoo. How about you, Rosé, are you going to do some shooting?" I ask, trying to push away my completely unnecessary resentment.
Rosé laughs, pointing her hands back at herself. "Me? God, no! I'm going to go to the gym, but I'm going out for a ride this morning." she tells me.
I smile. "Great, I'll have a riding buddy." It will do me good to spend the morning with Rosé. No doubt her infectious personality will kick my feeling-very-sorry-for-itself ass into gear.
"What about Lisa?" Rosé asks.
"What about Lisa?" I counter back without emotion. I think I am starting to get really good at this hiding my feelings crap.
"Won't she be joining you?" she asks with an inquisitive smile.
I look at Rosé with nothing but a stony expression. "She may be riding with the group but not with me."
Rosé's eyebrows pull down in concentration. "What's happened, Jennie?"
I glance across at Jisoo, whose eyes are now narrowing on me. I fidget in my seat, beginning to feel really uncomfortable. I have put my feelings in that box, remember? Any thoughts of Lisa are still in there, festering somewhere in the corner of my mind. That's where they have to stay. I shake my head dismissively. "Nothing has happened and nothing ever will, Rosé. Listen, I fancy a few drinks tonight, do you want to join me in town, later?" I ask with a steely stare, a silent warning that Lisa is certainly not a topic up for discussion, right now.
Rosé heeds my silent warning and nods while looking across to Jisoo. "I'm up for it. Do you fancy it, babe?"
Jisoo smiles and nods. "Yeah, why not?"
"It's a date then." Rosé says with a grin.
