A C T O R S || OS

67. Sebastian Stan | Clear Your Head

By : dlwritings | Tumblr 

pairing - Sebastian x reader
word count - 1,490
warnings -

summary - Sebastian's a good actor, but sometimes he forgets to leave the characters at work. You try to remind him of the importance of staying grounded.

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Sebastian took his roles very seriously. He always had. It was something you admired him for. He was the type to transform himself for a part, whether it was physically or mentally. The headspace he had to get in for The Destroyer was drastically different from The Bronze, but he crushed both parts. And while he favored some and looked back on others with a bit of regret, no role impacted him quite as much as James Buchanan Barnes.

There was just something about the character that Sebastian kept very close to his heart. Not only was it a role that altered his acting career pretty significantly, but it allowed him to make so many friends and come out of his shell.

But some days, it was really hard to be Bucky Barnes.

It didn't always make sense to him, because he'd had a lot more emotionally difficult parts. Lee Bodecker, Jeff Gillooly, and even Charles Blackwood affected him in ways other roles hadn't before, but Bucky was different. Bucky was special. And Bucky had been through quite the journey over the course of his ten years in the MCU. What Sebastian really liked about The Falcon and the Winter Soldier was that he was able to explore that journey. With that exploration came breaking down the walls the character had created for himself over the span of decades of his traumatic life.

So when he came home from shooting the Wakanda scene in "The Whole World is Watching," he was absolutely drained.

And while he and Bucky were different in a lot of ways, they shared their reluctance to communicate.

Sebastian came home (the two of you were renting a place in Atlanta while he was filming), and you noticed his demeanor was off right away. "Hey," you said, turning from your position on the couch to face him after pausing your show. "How was work?"

"Fine," he mumbled, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. Even his posture was tense and closed off, and you knew fine probably wasn't an accurate description of his state.

"You wanna talk about it?" you asked.

"No," he said without even looking at you. You pressed your lips together and nodded, then watched as he walked off towards the bathroom. In a few short minutes, you heard the shower turn on. Knowing you had some time before he came out, you decided to text Anthony.

Everything go okay today? you sent.

Anthony was quick to reply: He filmed that scene with Florence and was pretty off after that. I think it took more out of him than we all expected

You thanked him for the information, then locked your phone with a sigh. You decided to make some tea that he could have when he was out of the shower, if he wanted it. Even if he wouldn't talk, tea usually helped him relax a bit. He was still in the shower by the time the drink was ready, so you just took it to your bedroom and put it on the nightstand. It wasn't the first time you had done this -in fact, it became a bit of a routine- so you figured he'd know it was there for him.

Any time he came home in an off mood, things went about the same way. You'd ask how his day was, he'd give a borderline negative one-word answer, you'd ask to talk, he'd decline, hop in the shower, and you would make him tea. Whatever happened after that was unpredictable. Some days he would sit next to you and hold you close, just needing to keep you near him for whatever reason. Other days he'd shut you out completely and wouldn't say a word to you until the next day. The worst days were when he blew up unexpectedly at you.

Needless to say, whenever he came home in one of these moods, you were on edge. You decided to keep your distance. If he wanted to talk, he would.

(He never did, and you knew that too.)

His tendency to close himself off usually resulted in nightmares or plain old sad dreams about whatever character or plot point he was struggling with. When that happened, it was your job to calm him down and coax him back to sleep. So you knew whatever the night held, it was going to be long.

The shower turned off, and you heard Sebastian go into the bedroom. After that, you didn't hear a peep from him for the rest of the night. You put off going to bed, not wanting to bug him if he needed his space, but the later it got, the more exhausted you were. When you felt yourself dozing off on the couch, you knew you needed to bite the bullet and head to the bedroom.

Sebastian was laying in bed with the TV playing Late Night with Seth Meyers, but you could tell by his blank gaze that he wasn't really watching it. He didn't look at you when you walked into the room, so you just quietly got your pajamas on and went to the bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth. When you reentered the bedroom, Sebastian had turned the TV off and was laying on his side, facing away from your side. You got the message and silently got under the covers, understanding the mood he was in after having seen it so many times before.

Just as you felt yourself start to doze off, Sebastian broke the silence.

"I know this'll sound dumb," he said softly, "but the more I play Bucky, the more I realize I need to, uh, talk more about the stuff I'm going through."

You didn't want to say anything, but you did turn your head to look at him. He rolled over onto his other side and moved your body so he was spooning you. He put his arms around you and rested his hands on your stomach under your shirt, immediately rubbing his thumb on your skin. "We filmed that scene in Wakanda today," he continued. "The one with Bucky and Ayo around the fire that I told you about? Where she's proving that his mind is back." You gave a nod. "It-" He cleared his throat. "I don't know why, but it was really hard. I really tried to put myself in his headspace, just like I always do, but it was different this time. Probably because he's never been in a headspace like that before. I mean, I had to be this guy who has been tormented and traumatized for decades, never able to trust his own mind. And then someone comes along and cures him, and he's terrified it won't work. Then when it does, he's still terrified, because he doesn't know who he is without the bits of the Winter Soldier that are still in him. It was-" He stopped, trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. You just put your hand on top of his and gave it a squeeze. He closed his eyes and kissed your shoulder. "I'm sorry I don't talk to you as much as I should when I'm struggling," he said. "I know I need to."

"It's okay," you said softly. "I know you process stuff in your own way."

"But I don't," he argued. "I don't process things, I just, I pack it away and pretend it'll go away on it's own, but it doesn't. I-" He sighed. "I'm just tired, dragă. It was a long day." You turned over in his arms so you were facing him. Even though it was dark, you could see he truly did look exhausted. You put your hand on his cheek and ran your thumb across the bags under his eye.

"You work so hard, dragostea mea," you said softly. "And you know I love your work ethic, and I couldn't be prouder of you, but you have to take care of yourself. You need to work on letting Bucky go when you need to."

"I know," he whispered back.

"And if talking to me about it helps you let him go, then I'm all in," you said. "But if not, you need to find some other way to clear your head at the end of the day." He didn't say anything back but gave you a barely visible nod. You smiled -his eyes were closed so he didn't notice- and ran your fingers through his hair. "I love you," you whispered to him.

He said nothing back, and his steady breathing made you figure he was asleep.

You giggled and kissed his nose, then settled back into the little spoon position, closing your eyes as well.

"I love you too," he mumbled against your neck. You just smiled and let yourself drift off.

And Sebastian had a pleasant sleep, free of any Bucky-filled dreams.

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