A C T O R S || OS

133. Chris Evans | What Am I Doing?

By : justimagaine | Tumblr

One drink, two drink, three drink and soon he had lost count of how much he had drink, but it didn't matter. Chris didn't care. He just wanted to drink and not feel a damn thing. He wanted to be numb, forget everything. Forget what he was feeling, what he wanted, what his heart was screaming for. Chris wanted to just drink.

When Chris realized he needed to drink and how miserable he was, Chris was lucky to have a friend who owned a bar. So he took his brother with him and went to the bar, the place was empty, because it was just too early for normal drinking, but Chris wasn't in a normal situation. Nether his brother or friend judged him for drinking as much as he did or the fact that this was the way he wanted to deal with his situation.

At first Chris started with beer then went on to something stronger but nothing seemed to help him, it was he had became immune to alcohol. Scott and Mark did their best to stay away from that one subject that made the man in front of them drink so much. They talked about football, about acting, about the bar. They tried to play some poll, but every once in a while Chris would would go somewhere in his mind, he'd just stare at one point and blink. Scott knew that look, he knew exactly what his brother thinking about, every time he'd pull Chris out of his thought a sad look would go over his face, but quickly he tried to shake it off and act as if he was fine, but he wasn't. Chris didn't know if he was going to be fine ever again.

After a long time of talking and playing games, the room went silent. They had run out of topics to talk about, topics that would distract Chris. Scott and Mark would open their mouths to say something, but came up empty. Chris looked at his drink, thinking about all the thing he didn't want to think. For the past few days Chris had spent his time trying to keep his mind busy, working, watching every possible movie, seeing friends and even attending events that he hated. Just doing everything to occupy his mind, but night were the hardest, he tried to work out and just exist himself to the point he'd just pass out without a problem. Chris was starting to live an unhealthy life, but that was what he thought would be the right thing to do. then again he hated himself for doing all of those things. He hated trying to push the memories and thought away, he hated acting as if he wasn't madly in love. All Chris wanted was to think about you, about your smile, your laugh. Your eyes were always on his mind even when he did his best to push those images away. Chris wished he could think about you and not be in pain and just feel pure sadness, he wished he was able to live his life without all that fear he had been feeling. The fear that had made him pull himself away from you.

"I'm so fucked" Chris spoke making both men in front of him look up form their drinks. Chris leaned back in the chair, ran his hand through his hair, closed his eyes just for a second, because every time he did that he see you "I can't. Nothing is helping. All I have on my mind is..." he took a pause, let out a sigh as he said your name. Chris hadn't said your name in a long time. When ever he'd say it, his heart would skip a beat. That also happened when ever someone else would say your name, even when they were talking about someone else. Hearing your name, brought up an image of you in his mind and he'd be once again gone in his thought about you. "I'm doing my best to not think about (Y/N). Doing my best to forget. I've tried everything, and nothing is working. It's as if the image and memories are burned in my mind. How do I get them out?" he was frustrated, the point of wanting to scream and throw things.

"Maybe you don't" said Scott getting a glare from his brother and a confused look from mark "listen, I know you might not like what I have to say, but I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life Chris" Scott took a pause waiting to see what Chris would say or do, but all he did was lean closer resting his arms on the table. For the first time Chris was actually willing to listen what others had to say about the situation he was in. Usually he'd say they have no idea what they are talking about and that they have never been in a situation like the one he is in. This time Chris was desperate for anything that could help, so Scott kept talking "you love (Y/N). You've never loved someone like that before and probably wont love again. And (Y/N) loves you too, we all know it, and you're throwing it all way for some what ifs that don't even matter." Chris took a sip of his drink listening to his brother, but also thinking about you. You were always on his mind no matter what he was doing or where he was or with whom