Stand In Dad

Useless Deku

TW: self depreciation, suicidal thoughts, self harm in detail!!!

Author's note: this chapter will be dealing with some darker subjects, so I you have any of these triggers, I suggested not reading, or at least waiting until you think you can emotionally handle it.

And please for the love of all things holy don't do anything Midoriya is doing in this chapter!!!

Midoriya's POV:

I was sitting in my room. I was texting my friends, and for a while I was happy.

I was having a nice conversation with Uraraka.

I really enjoyed talking to her. She was fun to talk to, and always had good advice... and for a while I was able to forget my stress.
I was happy, I was smiling, and I felt like everything was going to be okay...

Uravity:

"Sorry Deku, I have to go.👋"

Well fuck...

Now what?...
I lost my distraction...

It was lonely... it was was quiet... All Might enjoyed my company... and I enjoyed his at first... but I felt... useless.

Without Kacchan here, I had no one to train with. I'm supposed to be a great hero like All Might... but how am I supposed to do that without anyone to train with.

Kacchan hadn't been responding to my texts, and I was getting worried.

I knew Mr Aizawa would keep him safe... but he seemed really upset when he left...

I'm supposed to be there for him! He won't go to anyone else... for the most part at least...

It's my job to make sure he's okay.

God I'm useless...

I wasn't training...
I wasn't helping Kacchan...
I wasn't helping anyone...
I wasn't preparing for a fight...
I wasn't fixing anything...

If I can't fix something... what am I good for?

Nothing, that's what!!!

Kacchan was right when he called me useless... Sometimes I wonder if I should have taken his advice...

No, to far!
I'm not going there...

It's not like anyone would miss me though...

No, I'm the holder of one for all. The power would disappear with me...

But I could just give it to someone...

But it's a really special power... I can't just give it to anyone...

But Mirio was supposed to get it anyway...

I groaned loudly into my pillow.

Why was I thinking like this again?!

I thought I left this in middle school...

But I need to do something... or I'm gonna end up doing it... something to hurt without killing me...

No! I'm not going to start that again!

...

...But... so long as no one found out... I could hurt without having to kill myself...

There's not really any reason not to... I don't mind the scars... so long as I'm careful...

I sat up slowly on my bed... I stood, walking towards the bathroom...

I had noticed a week ago that All Might had spare razor blades in the bathroom cabinet. I had made a mental note of it without really knowing why.

I opened the cabinet, reaching for the box.

I selected a blade that looked sharper than the others...

"God I can't believe I doing this again..."

I whispered to myself.

I put the box back, chosen razor blade carefully griped between my fingers.

I glanced around before exiting the bathroom.

I couldn't risk All Might finding out about this...

I walked quickly to my room, looking down at the blade in my hand.

"Shit, I forgot to grab tissues..."

I put the razor in the top drawer of my dresser.

My heart was beating faster now. This was nerve wracking... almost exhilarating...

I walked quickly and quietly back to the bathroom.

I found a spare box of tissues.

I made my way back to my room, quickly shutting it behind me.

I gave a sigh of relief.

I grabbed the razor blade, and walked over to my bed, placing the tissues down on my night stand.

I hadn't done this in a while... I was kinda nervous.

I forgot what this felt like, so I felt like I was going in blind.

I rolled up my shorts, revealing old scars. Most were pretty faded, but you could still see that they were there.

I took a deep shuddering breath... placing the blade against my skin.

I quickly slid it across my skin. If I didn't do it quickly, I knew I'd back out.

My reflexes kept me from going to deep. It was barely a scratch. I don't think it even broke the skin.

I guess I'd have to go deeper...

I didn't remember how much pressure to use, so I was relearning.

I quickly slid the razor across my thigh again.

It broke the skin this time. A little drop of blood started pooling in the corner of the cut. It didn't grow much. It just stayed a small drop, but I felt like I was getting the hang of it.

A small amount of satisfaction spread through me as I felt the slight burning of a fresh cut.

I slid the blade again.

This time 3 drops started forming on the cut. It still wasn't a lot, but I couldn't help but be proud of myself in some way.

Once again, I quickly sliced my thigh. It was deeper.

3 drops formed, but this time they continued growing. 1 grew till it touched another one, causing them to merge in a large droplet of blood.
The drop slid down the side of my thigh.

I quickly grabbed a tissue, dabbing it up before it could touch the bed.

Okay so I had it figured out. I knew exactly the amount of pressure needed.

I sliced again, It bled again, I dabbed it with a tissue again.

I repeated the steps a few more times.

I put the razor in the drawer in my night stand.

I wasn't sure what to do with the tissues. There wasn't a trash can in here and I couldn't risk All Might seeing them.

I settled on putting them under the bed. It wouldn't work long term, but it was fine for now.

I was tired.

I rolled my shorts back in place, and tucked myself in.

It was a bit early to go to bed, but I was tired.

So I slept.

Author's note:

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or self harm please talk to someone.  Call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to a professional. The suicide prevention hotline is free.