Past, Present, No Future. (Harry Styles)

89. Lost Things

~Harry's _ POV +

A guilt I feel whenever I'm with Stella is a guilt that I wish I can get rid of but I more than well know that it isn't going anywhere.

I went to sleep with this guilt, which of course was far from a good idea:

I took a swig of the bottle in my hand placing it back on the bar, I had just promised this girl. This one girl that I really wanted to know that I would never see her again, and I was an idiot for doing it.

Finishing the last drop I tipped the bottle over the edge hearing it shatter on the floor, getting up to get another whiskey bottle my door was knocked. I groaned making my way to the doorway opening it to a sobbing girl.

"I don't want you to leave me alone" she muttered sniffling back her tears.

I extended my arms to her holding the back of her head in mine.

"I won't leave you" I said too silent for her to hear. "I can't leave you"

I took her inside bringing her to the bed.

"You should go to sleep, looks like you've had a rough night"

She nodded wiping a tear away lying on the bed, "I'll be right back" I told her turning off the light in the room on my way out.

Swiping up the broken glass I grabbed the extra bottle I had taken out throwing it in the trash can.

I couldn't ruin this, not like Ally.

I jolted awake with heavy breathing and feeling my chest rise and fall.

"Fuck" I muttered pulling my sweat covered hair out of my face, "Fuck fuck fuck, no" I breathed out bringing my face to my hands.

I'm having more dreams.

I took the glass of water I set on the end table taking a long sip and getting up from the bed. My legs were shaky but not numb enough to be unable to walk.

I paced around the room, pulling at my roots and feeling panicked because I'm having these recurring dreams again.

And they're about Vanessa.

I breathed quickly and vigorously shook my head.

I sat back down remembering the night I dreamed about, I remember wanting to get drunk before she knocked on the door and stayed the night. I remember telling myself not to ruin what I had with her and I remember telling her I wouldn't leave her. Two promises I couldn't keep.

I felt angry at myself. I was angry that I failed so much that even my body is making relive all those painful memories.

I glanced at the flower vase on the table, feeling my fingers twitch. Craving the feeling of the rounded edges of the lighter and the flick of the spark and flint.

Vanessa's name kept repeating itself in my head, a repeating trigger of falling back to what I was before I put that thing in the vase.

Vanessa

The same name I used to smile too.

Vanessa

The name I wanted to hear for so long.

Vanessa

The name belonging to the person I absolutely let go.

Vanessa

The name that reminded me of the horrible person I am.

I stood up and stumbled towards the vase and slamming it to the floor, hearing the ear-splitting shatter throughout the room and watched all the pieces of glass scatter all over the wooden floor.