Past, Present, No Future. (Harry Styles)

81. Rip My Heart Out

~ Harry's _ POV +

I drove. I drove in the dark regretting every word I said tonight.

Not only did she hate me, but I hated me. So much.

It's like every chance I got I fucked it up, it's like I didn't want to be happy and I dodged every chance I had of it. Not even dodge, I kicked and punched them away.

But the way I held Vanessa tonight, the way I grasped onto her wrists so harshly. I wanted to cry as I did it but I couldn't stop. I felt the risen lines of her scars on my fingers which only made me want to cry more. I hate anything that pained her, so I hate myself.

I clenched the steering wheel in my hands until my knuckles became pale.

It's been about half an hour since I left Wolverhampton, I estimated the time figuring Vanessa had already made it home.

I pulled over to the side of the road taking my cell phone out of my blazer pocket and dialing Vanessa's number.

Bringing the phone to my ear I heard it ring just a couple times until she answered.

"Hello?"

I didn't say anything

"Hello?" she said again.

"Vanessa" I spoke up and now she was silent.

"I just wanted to clean up the mess I made"

"It's too big of a mess, Harry"

"I know I'm sorry. For what I said back at Zayn's" and she didn't say anything again.

"So, are you and Louis really not...together?"

"No, Harry, we're not"

He wishes you were...I'm keeping that to myself.

"I'm such a fuck up" I said more to myself.

"You are" Vanessa said bringing a massive lump to my throat, "You've given me every excuse to envy you"

"I know, I know" I said.

"But I don't" she told me.

"Why? You should. That's why I'm leaving you"

"Are you not going to let me know where you are again?"

"What?" I asked confused.

"You refused to let me know where you were, I asked Beth but she told me you didn't want me to know"

"No, no. I told her to tell you" I began, "But the letter, you sent it"

"No, I gave it to Beth to send"

Of course.

"Fuck, the handwriting" I murmured making her ask me what was going on.

"Vanessa, I told Beth to tell you where I was"

"But she didn't"

"What did she tell you exactly?" I asked feeling a new anger towards Beth.

"She said you didn't want me to know where you were going or staying so I gave her the funeral letter to send to you, then she said you hope I'm happy"

"Vanessa she sent that letter through your name and address"

"Okay" she said and I can hear her voice getting irritated, "But why would she do that?"

"It's Beth, why does she do anything?" I tried to poke fun but there was no laughter.

"W-were you telling the truth, about my mum?"