Caim

52 | bittersweet

Caim's POV

Grammy used to tell me, sometimes warmth is all you need to dissolve the cold exterior. She talked about my grandfather, he was a strict man, a guy with principles and overly inadequate rules. She told me how she only felt his warmth when he was asleep when she would go and look at him like he was worth gold, just waiting for the day when he'll need her warmth like she needed his.

That day never came and he died, leaving my grammy alone with nothing but his last name. There were pictures of them together but none of them held the love which bounds a marriage. She bottled up the love she felt for him and kept it hidden till the day I was born.

Sometimes being full of love is more dangerous than brimming with hate. They're both strong emotions, if used at an incorrect time, they can take lives away.

She was filled to the brim, almost to the point where it suffocated her. So, she started giving me the love, only a small amount but it was enough for me. Having a mother who doesn't want me and a dad who just wanted me to inherit the business made me crave for that small human contact from my grammy. Her hugs made me feel safe like a warm blanket was wrapped around me.

I've been through too much to remember the warmth she provided me at times, with drops of hot wax on my body, her loving warmth turned into blazing burns- leaving their hot trails behind. Through the years of torture, I negotiated warmth to burn, it was more familiar.

Grammy tried to give me the rest of her love but by the time I was released from the torture, I turned into an empty vessel. Just breathing and internally raging. My emotions were forced to shut and my brain was developed only to kill.

She cried that day, holding me close to her chest, repeating how she lost her only hope over and over again, I didn't know I was her hope. It was pain that defined me. Rage, resentment, and fury were the only familiar things I felt.

They made me into them, into the monster who loves to destroy. I never wanted that, it was thrust upon me, they forced me to kill a man at the mere age of 14. When I should be shying away from a crush, they handed me a gun and taught me how to pull the trigger.
Slowly, it became my reality and I accepted it.

Until she came, she flipped my life and made it complicated. I started questioning things, to the point where I thought I was sick whenever she touched me. I didn't know what was right or wrong, what was true, or just a fragment of my imagination. She made me believe in things that never felt normal before. Like her hugs, I won't admit it to anyone, not even her but they were very comfortable, enough to make me fall asleep. Her kisses made me feel happy and to be honest a little flustered.

People fear me, whether its because i font show emotions or because of what i do but there's some love my Grammy gave me left in me. That's how I got to know how much this one girl means to me. How much I feel for her. Miliani became the only reality that I like, her laugh, her smile even the way her nose scrunch when she laughs has embodied in my heart.

I sighed as I felt my eyes dropping close, it felt like my body was telling me to shut down and give it the rest it deserves. It's been two days since that incident with Miliani. Two days since I lost my right to be near her, two days since she found out the truth I've been meaning to hide from her for a very long time.

After all, it's true that truth always makes its way to reveal.

"Hey, what are you thinking?" Lucas asked from across me. We were currently sitting on the chairs that I hate the most in the world. We were at the hospital as the doctor gave me a call to tell me some information regarding Grammy.

I looked over at him and shake my head. "Nothing" he stood up from his place to come sit beside me.

"I can tell what's bothering you" he twisted a little so I could see him more. "She's going to forgive you" he tried to reassure me but after what she told me yesterday at her house, the way she behaved as if I meant nothing to her, hurts my heart.