Thoughts I Had Today

I feel lied to.

May, 21, 2022 | 4:23am

Imagine coming out to your family and they respond with,

"you're just confused. It's because you haven't had a good experience with a guy yet."

as if they 100% know what you're feeling inside and what goes on in your mind. So you end up believing them and feel like shit for being the way that you are. Hating yourself more. Getting more confused,

because what if they're right? What if these 3 whole years of being really sure of what you are and who you are was all just a lie? An illusion?

Because the guys you've met and the guys you've had feelings with all ended up as bad experiences? And that there could be a guy out there that would actually be nice to you. What if it was as simple as that? And you just confused yourself to the point that you thought you like girls too. When in reality, you should have been more patient for the 'right guy'.

I don't know. It hurt a lot, specially if it came from people you really care about. People that you were really scared of telling.

It happened MONTHS ago... but I never stopped thinking about it since, not even once. Because it hurt so much. Every time I think about it and get lost in my thoughts, I have this urge to cry. It just really hurts. I just wish they didn't say that... why does it bother me so much? Why can't I stop thinking about it? I don't know... and ever since then, I've been pretending that I'm fine. That it doesn't bother me. That it doesn't hurt at all.

It just made me feel like what I told them was a lie... because I was just "confused" and that I wasn't "sure". It's like what I said didn't matter to them, like they never paid attention to anything I said.

It took SO MUCH for me to come out and all I got was,

"You're just confused."

I don't know... the thoughts are getting louder. It's gotten to a point where It started making me feel like I'm causing them more problems. Like they so badly want to accept it but deep down they strongly disagree. And it makes me regret ever telling them. Because I knew from the moment that I realised I wasn't normal anymore, I knew that the outcome of coming out wouldn't be good. Specially from people that I've known my whole life. Their reactions and how they'd view me afterwards, I just knew.

And guess what? I was right.